Somebody please put a can of Monster under a tipped-up box where one of the Paul brothers can see, and before putting the box down, throw in a canister of Zyklon-B.

The FUCKTOMB absolves everything.

Jay-Z’s Roc-A-Fella Records once had a female rapper who released an album titled A.M.I.L. — an acronym for All Money Is Legal.

Bill Belichick will sign him next week and he'll be a three-time All-Pro for New England

Everybody in Louisiana who was worth a goddamn had gotten on the Southern Pacific and gone to L.A. or the Bay Area by 1950.

Styx were from Chicago (Far South Side) and Speedwagon were from Champaign. Cheap Trick are, to the best of my knowledge, the only act of any significance from Rockford (unless you count cult-beloved dirtbag American Primitive guitar wizard and stoner-folk troubadour Ryley Walker).

The brown and yellow ones are actually pretty OK. It’s the white trash with money who are the problem.

Oh no, I think they should have “Orange County” in their name. Instant, instantly loyal fanbase.

That’s just cradle robbery in either direction, man.

I think they should embrace their destiny as the Orange County Chargers. Does that sound like a minor league baseball team? Yep! Is that appropriate in this situation? Yep!

Did your wife come down the aisle to "Hey Nineteen," or was it "You're Sixteen?"

Beth Mynett, 55

Would've been even better if he'd chosen the Scrantonicity version.

Between this and the FUCKTOMB, I could not possibly love Philly sports fans more.

They don’t just call me “Tripod” for my weirdly intense interest in photography.

US-born white and black men also generally are taller now than even 40 years ago because folks get more calcium in their diet. (Probably more than enough.) One of the reasons average heights in the US haven’t increased that much is that a lot of very short (largely from malnutrition) Mexican and Central American…

Jimmy Johnson is only 6'2" if I have an 11-inch dick.

Strahan and Long are big dudes but they’re at least one standard deviation to the left of the average NBA power forward, let alone center.

Oh, that’s downright respectable. It's a surname used as a given name, which is one of the grand traditions of the English and Southern aristocracies.

There is nothing remotely normal or healthy about a game that causes debilitating injuries at the rate football does, and we haven’t even talked about the brain trauma.