Okay, I'm also gonna complain about their definition of "intimacy"—what the hell does true "intimacy" have to do with getting my labes waxed?

@bowleserised: Good! That eliminates pesky douchebags who read Men's Health to learn about women.

I'm the stubborn New Yorker with a slight temper who will push a man out of a fifth-story window and then grind my heel into his back if he asks me which of these types I am.

But how does she cook her beloved hamburger meat if not in the oven or on the stove? Does she consume it raw?

I don't like to nitpick a hot man and double entendres about doing the sex, but he was hotter without the beard.

@JessicaLovejoy: No way! Dennis Quaid was totally a hot dad in The Parent Trap, with his cowboy hat and such. I stand by this.

Speaking of my time machines:

I begged to change it to Jane when I was little, but to no avail. I tried my middle name for a while, because I thought it was much more girly and beguiling (until kids started calling me Psoriasis).

@skinnybonejones: Honestly, I can let that pass. She's got killer thighs, and her freckles are cute.

@braak: I'd watch Lucy Liu take a crowbar to Karl Lagerfeld's gut.

@skinnybonejones: But she has a wonk eye!

@Kataroo_Kangaroo: PBR is my weapon of choice. I once used a can of it to hit a hipster in the back who was trying to make away with my laptop during a house party.

I'm not quite sure how other colleges/universities worked, but at mine, there was no discernible "female" element—most of the girls there felt the need to cling to an existing establishment without quite knowing how to establish their own.

@msb2: Orange slices? I think I'll try that during my quitting time boozefest.

Geez, I just lurked on Gawker for a bit. It's a hairy scene.

@itchycoo: Stella is my go-to! Also Bass, Harp, and Blue Moon.

@NoStyleHere: Questionable Choices While Traveling in Europe—that should be a classifiable life phase! Mine would fall between "college freshman" and "jaded twentysomething in New York."

Al Sharpton shouldn't talk. Ever. Every time he claims to be defending the rights of black people in this country, I want to slap the grease out of his hot-combed hair.

@extensionofbob: I know. You can just tell these people in the photo are listening to Sufjan Stevens and practicing yogic breathing techniques before brunch at DuMont.

I accept, you cheeky manhunk of Scottish hotness you.