I’m not pithy enough to make a good joke about this, so I feel compelled to go the serious route.

I know it seems like the Seahawks aren’t really saying anything but, like, they’re saying nothing together.

During the national anthem I was lying naked on my couch trying to eat corn chips off my chest without using my hands. I hope I didn’t offend anybody.

No big deal. That looks like me getting into my Uber last night.

Oh boy the tin foil hat crowd is gonna have a feast with this one

All I can say is thank CHRIST they penalized that one guy for jumping up and down after his team scored a touchdown. We need to keep that sort of behavior in check.

It’s really not funny. The man thinks he’s at the prom.

It’s all Keeping Up With The Jones’ with NFL owners. Jerry Jones built a huge billion dollar stadium so everyone else has to go and do it. Jerry Richardson got a statue of his team mascot outside his stadium so Arthur Blank had to go and get a statue of his team’s mascot.

Imagine a homeless person in Atlanta sleeping under that giant bird statue.

C’mon, Tom. That’s WAAAAAAAY too polygonal to be World of Warcraft concept art. Maybe Everquest.

And yet the largest eggs in the stadium will still be laid on the field.

So, what you’re saying is that there is no drug testing at DeadSpin.

Jesus fuck. This is the longest SNL cold open ever.

“People don’t know this about Iraq, but they have among the largest oil reserves in the world.”

I actually don’t blame him for this position.

1. Take the oil

This is not a story about him being a dick @ Winged Foot but him being absolutely Trump when I was playing at his Trump National course in Northern Virginia.

You know the last time you guys did dick stories you got sued into bankruptcy.

If you have read who’s your caddy, there is a chapter on trump.

Can you imagine the stories those poor beer cart girls have?
I’ll bet they played rock-paper-scissor to see who had to go to Trump’s party. He seems like precisely the type of fella who’ll slip a single and his number into your shirt while saying “That’s for you, baby girl.”