YES! My husband understands the tweezers hierarchy as:
1. The GOOD tweezers. MY tweezers. They were hand milled in England and were designed to put together dollhouse miniatures. I won’t even tell him where they are.
2. The back-up good tweezers that have been lost for 6 months but I still hold out hope they can be…

I think the running for president question is misleading. Like if I actually had to do real, honest campaigning (like the data driven, bland ass shit Hilary did) I’d kill myself within the hour. But if I got to run and govern like Trump (just say and do what the fuck ever?!), easy.

The older I get, the more the term hysterical provokes a cold, decidedly unhysterical, fury.

Whatever happened to that contestant who had six or seven kids and lived in a city-block-sized SoHo or Tribeca loft and was an architect and wrote a mommy blog for Salon for about three weeks? Bring her back. I don’t care if Monica sucked Bill Clinton’s dick, I miss the 90s.

Minnesota did have soul. They used the entire budget on Prince, and that’s why there’s none left in the state for anyone else.

How many Tucker Max books do you own?

Dude, Craig. Black coffee has no cream or sugar in it! If you want sugar you gotta say “black with sugar” if they’re dressing it up for you. Black coffee is just coffee in a cup with nothing else.

That said, diner tables that don’t already have little sugars and Sweet n’ Low or whatever on them, as well as napkins and…

Honestly, if one good thing came out of The Cosby Show, it is him.

unfortunately any site with more than 3 white people commenting ends up being a “white supremacist website”

If I still lived in a place where people have a lot of guns and someone rang my doorbell like that in the middle of the night, I’d assume they were desperate for help. It is incredibly risky to get on a stranger’s property in gun nut territory, especially when the witching hour of paranoia (any time after 6pm,…

I think I'd prefer Darth Vader as my father. 

Maybe they were big fans of the ‘90s rock band, The Nixons. “Sister, I see you, dancin’ on the stage of memories...”

Jen is a god damn saint because I would have left him hanging long ago. 

this is why I simply just shit in the handicapped parking spot.

My wife is so afraid of someone noticing her when she goes to poop, she actually keeps a 2nd pair of shoes in her desk so nobody recognizes her in the stall. She calls them her Shittin’ Shoes.

“DADDDDYYYYYY DIDNT GIVE ATTENTIOONNNNNNN”

Angelina Jolie should hire Jennifer Garner’s PR people because that’s how you get a dig in while keeping your hands clean. 

It won’t last. Trust me: I have shepherded three kids into their double digits. The kids will be come intransigent at some point digging in on something such as anti-rice or monogamy viz. chicken fingers. You are so fucked and you don’t even know it. My middle daughter - brilliant and about as pleasant a teenager as…

HOLY SHIT THAT HUSBAND IN THE EMAIL OF THE WEEK

My friend was a young mother in the 80's. We were sitting at the mall (I know) with her new baby and she was trying to breast feed in a corner of the food court behind a pillar. And mind you she was covering herself with a blanket and trying to as discreet as possible. This little old Italian man walks by and tells…