He’s just emphasizing the importance of a nuclear family.

“that I decided I’d rather be friends with Carlson instead.”

No sentient human being would ever say that. Unless they were a humongous douchebag.

“We can neither confirm nor deny the existence or nonexistence of a criminal investigation until such a time as a person is charged with a crime,” said Hamburg Police Chief Gregory G. Wickett.

It's almost like you're supposed to suspend your disbelief or something! What is this, some kind of fantasy world?! Pfft!

I thought this paragraph from Charlie Pierce yesterday really summed it all up:

This is St. Louis, mind you. Their budget is already stretched thin because of their historic need to overspend on tanks for killing black people.

“It’s the fucking Redskins. No one will blame you if you unload with both barrels.”: A History of United States Territorial Expansion Policy

Based on the less-than-healthy nature of the stools, police are looking for a man afflicted with anal fjords.

Why do the Cardinals need more charity than playing the Cubs 19 goddamn times a year?

Doing it the Write-off Way.

Andrew Luck is going to be the richest athlete ever. His salary won’t even include all that extra cash he makes by charging people to cross the bridge he lives under.

Beckman’s

They’re really poutine on a show up there.

Bastard

Oh shit wtf

This shit show will never end. I fucking love it at this point.

Sean Peyton: [puts $1000 on the board next to Galette’s picture]

He’s on the record as saying nice things about Puerto Ricans, though. I even heard him say, “There’s no such thing as bad PR.”

Actual conversations I’ve had: