My Mom had all girls and “boy moms” used to annoy her so much. They all seemed to assume that being loud, messy, and roughhousing was something only boys did. She would frequently point out that my sisters and I did all of those things (especially the story where my middle sister and I were fighting and fell onto the…

The last time someone dealt with the Knicks, Suns, and Hornets on successive days, it ended with three days of darkness and the death of their firstborn.

I want the ones that make my chompers look like they’re the city walls around Toothopolis fending off the Cavity Creeps. What do they call that product?

So conflicted.

there hasn’t been this much fuss about a second Schutt Air since the JFK assassination

Or maybe the wealthy professional football team he plays for could figure out a way to get its hands on one for him.

The human version of this is a worm that controls a person and makes him/her plant a garden and use feces as fertilizer, then sell the produce at a farmer’s market, thereby finding a new host. A zombie nation is a nation of farmer’s markets. 

the ball came spinning out counterclockwise because of the Oriolis Effect

Hey - let’s not exaggerate.

Three mass shootings and the GOP’s singular response is to feign outrage over a studio movie satire they have not even seen.

One of the “tree groups” smashes into the front of the wall towards the end of the longer clip. You can just barely see them hit the wall and then bodies drop down. That’s a harsh way to go out when you’re trying to do something dope.

I love swearing. A properly placed “fuck this fucking fuck” is so satisfying as an emotional release, I say it regularly as a way to avoid therapy.

I will admit though that there is something so heinously hilarious about non-expletive insults when you’re insulting another person, that sometimes it’s the superior move…

FIFY

I’m not doubling down on anything, nor do I really disdain this show, nor was the original review of it especially negative.

THE RAIDERS ARE COMING

A few years ago my mother had an accident and spent some time in the ICU after a bad reaction to anesthesia. She was unable to eat at all and had a naso-gastric tube placed. Once she got well enough to ditch that, they gave her the pureed diet. The first meal was something like salisbury steak, mashed potatoes with…

Did they offer a special menu of soft food items at the hospital? Drew, they did not. They took whatever you ordered and blended it to a paste.

According to baseball’s unwritten rules, Urias and the ball are now married and the Orioles must be immediately relegated to the English Football League

Browns Marketing Executives: “Well, that #dp promotion sure didn’t work. I wonder how our new Browns-branded debit card with unlimited withdrawals from automated teller machines is being received on social media. Hey Kyle, let’s put the feed back up but change the search to Brown ATM, ok?”