Sink your essence so deeply into your chosen profession that your chosen life partner becomes a distant smudge of color on the horizon. Wave to it sometimes. Mention it sometimes. Allow it to make noises at you, but do not allow it to stop you from becoming Emperor of Job, Titan of Industry, Leader of People.

Rex Ryan: Oh we can give marriage advice at these things? Well—

It may not be perfect, but at least they are an undefeated 8-1.....

When I take my family to a public sacrifice to appease the cruel god of the void, I really hate it when an acolyte of Ner’huul makes an extra flourish with his bone knife or, and gosh this is THE WORST, when the High Priest makes a big show of eating the heart of the spring virgin. It’s like, act like you’ve BEEN…

I for one enjoy watching Twitter turn into the town from Footloose every time Cam scores

Any QB who can go 8 - 1 with that schedule is incredible.

Dickless here doesn’t think Ghostbusters is the funniest movie of all time.

It’s all great until the cart tries to murder everyone.

“Why is it so hard to run out the clock?”

He obviously walked into the house, found it empty, and assumed that the party was just super lame.

polishing his couch rifles

The Panthers decided they DIDN’T want that headache, so they turned Hardy loose and have been fine ever since.

Remember kids: Black Lives Matter is a bunch of whiners who are looking for reasons to be offended. The real oppression is a lack of Christmas iconography on your coffee cups.

In the wake of the Politico post, Carson also admitted that he never toured with Motörhead in 1982, that he was not conceived in the bowels of an active volcano, that he does not have retractable feathered wings, and that he actually would not make a good president.

The hardest thing for the Klits would be that a lot of times, their offense would build momentum slowly by grinding it out, play after play, getting closer and closer to the goal, only to come up short and be disappointed and resentful.

I would immediately become a fan of the ‘Washington Dick Balls’.

No, you don’t get it. They’re honoring your browser history.

More importantly, who on Earth thought it was a good look to compare your brand to these and say, in court, “Hey, we’re just as fine as these perfectly valid trademarks!”

Oh right - Dan Snyder.

Damn it. The Washington Milfsdoporn was my suggestion for the new team name.

I like how they are no longer even pretending that “redskins” isn’t offensive and are now going down the “everyone else does it!” route. Good luck with that!