Part of Michelle Obama’s considerable charm is her ability to rise above petty people/statements and address real issues. But.... at night, when I’m falling asleep, I allow myself to daydream of a world where the gloves are off and she can put trash like TL where it belongs.

FUCK! I only read the first 10 or so emails before I started scrolling through the long list of bullshit. Now I feel so dirty; I shouldn’t have read those until I had easy access to a shower.

Porn stars have brought me far more joy over the years than Roethlisberger has.

I’m only 6'2" so I’ll defer to my 6'7" (36" inseam) co-worker who swears that the Kia Soul is the first car he’s ever driven that has more than enough head room/leg room for him. It’s great for around town and he swears that his monthly 11 hr commute from Northern Oregon to CA is plenty comfortable.

My daughter is a “bird enthusiast” who is looking for a “new to her” car.  I showed her your photo and... now we’re going to buy an Element.  I’m not unhappy about this! 

What’s the over/under for “Number of times Trump’s advisers have had to remind him that the people of Puerto Ric0 are US citizens”?  I’d guess at least 6 but would believe almost any double-digit number.

A shitty Haiku for a shitty President

“You think that’s funny? Wait until you hear about the time I fucked a goose!”

In college I was your average rec league player with enough skill to (narrowly) avoid major embarassment. During my freshman year I became friends with a member of the Women’s team and we made a great 2 on 2 team because I could rebound/protect the rim and she seemed incapable of missing a shot if she had even a…

And yet he’s set to make $7,000,000 this year in the NBA.  The genetic lottery is a capricious thing.

Agreed. My wife is <ahem> busty and she’s got a tattoo on her “upper chest” area which gives men (and women) an excuse to openly pay attention to her cleavage. If I went after everybody who made a similarly mild comment on social media, it would eat up a lot of my day.

In the hierarchy of baseball positional players that you should not start shit with, I’d rank catchers as #1. (looking forward to Magry’s next column where he makes that concept funny) I know Puig is jacked, but MLB catchers are typically tougher than door nails. Probably a good thing that his teammates held him back.

Our twin daughters are heading off to college in 8 short days and my wife is struggling with the pending change. I think I’ve worn out the phrase “This is the natural order of things” over the last month. It works for kids leaving, kids getting drunk with their friends, kids making bad dating decisions, the empty…

Ummmm.... we are now.  

/wakes up from mid-morning nap, sees that Deadspin is still referring to home runs as “dongs”

That pitch was a text book of example of “in his wheelhouse”.  

Exhibit A that I’ve transformed into a crotchety old man: “Jesus, can Deadspin quit referring to home runs as “dongs”? Do they think we’re all 13?”

(Please apply two big caveats to the comment to follow: 1) I’m new to following the MMA and still coming to understand the amazing skill these guys display 2) At this level, both of these guys are terrifyingly focused and brave fighters who should fear nobody)

Every time I see another “White person calls cops on black person for <insert everyday innocent activity here> article“ I think to myself, “Holy Fuck, what is wrong with us white people?”

or a challenge on an episode of Fear Factor!