You DON’T want it absorbing essential nutrients, is the point.

Anyone who goes to church is an asshole.

Fact: fruits and vegetables make you sick.

Why are you capitalizing “country music,” “golf,” and making “90s” possessive?

“Porque” also happens to be what Fieri believes is the French word for pig.

Do not drink shit with activated charcoal in it.

Out of Sight.

Huh. That was not one I would have guessed.

Have you ever considered redirecting your urge to paint yourself onto the canvas?

Why would an adult have a fake ID?

*raises hand*

How does one pronounce “Chi?”

My eyes are burning!

How does mid-race alcohol not count as a performance-enhancing drug?

Out of emoji. Emoji. There is no such word as “emojis.”

Plane?

The sheriff’s department pays Browning to work in the school system as a D.A.R.E. officer.

Christmas special

The college football is the best in the country (seven appearances in the nine years I’ve lived here)