Funny, they told me the opposite if i stopped holding my Marvel Comics in public i might get a girlfriend.

A President should never lie.

He’s short, he’s Canadian, and he simply cannot be touched.

Then you did it wrong.

“If what has happened is a memory and whats going to happen is a thought, you’re taking yourself out of right now. So in that case, every hour is happy hour”- me to a completely empty bar and a visibly uncomfortable bartender at 8am on a Tuesday

That was my thought! These dudes are generally under 35 and in top physical shape. I am 43 and 25 pounds overweight, and I can still get it up without pills.

DC and Houston are actually more appropriate than their NFL counterparts.

Do not however take any “Viagra” this guy offers you:

Mushy & Unplayable accurately describes Mumford’s music

“I’m squeezing and waiting for help.”

Calm down, Paddy. Go dunk a potato in your whiskey.  

Note to the guards: Suicide watch does not mean, “watch someone commit suicide.”

Of course Cashman supports law enforcement. Ever notice all those thin blue lines on Yankee jerseys?

So what if he tried to hit Hyde?  He’d have like an 81.7% chance of missing anyway.

I appreciate how this bold young man is calling Ross out on the mission of the charity. It’s like:

Omigosh — don’t let the dog eat chicken bones! They splinter easily and the sharp pieces can perforate the digestive tract. Big Beef Bones Only!

A guy I used to work with had a condo in Florida. He was single with no kids, and was signed up for low price alerts for last minute tickets with several budget airlines because he could get a cheap fare and fly down for the weekend on short notice easily. He once said to me “Sure, maybe the flight attendants are rude…

This obsession with Hilary is the longest Trump has ever been faithful to one woman.

Design meeting:

“What should the failure mode be for the wave generator?”
“Nothing, it should just die quietly and stop functioning.”
“We could do that. Or.. and hear me out on this one...”

White Claw: THE choice for active functioning alcoholics everywhere