I’ve gone to a bunch of Silicon Valley parties, as I am a particular kind of Silicon Valley trophy wife: I have an advanced degree from Stanford, which impresses the kind of smart Silicon Valley people my husband associates with. (They look at me and see a middle-aged chubby woman, and then they hear about my degree,…

There’s a long, rich history of women fighting in Russia. The last Tsar had an all-woman battalion guarding the Winter Palace. For a while there was a belief that the ideal tank team would be a married couple, because they would communicate really well together and give their lives for each other. I did a huge…

And before that, used as an argument against integrating black and whites together.

Target shooting will be easy-peasy. I took a firearms class from a SWAT team instructor, and my girlfriend and I took to it like ducks to water, better shots than our husbands. The instructor, a very man’s man, said proudly that women are usually better shots than men, with better hand-eye coordination. Doesn’t take a…

I keep hearing “an armed society is a polite society” from gun nuts I know, but I’m not seeing it. Call me crazy but I don’t think it’s polite to shoot a waitress. I doubt Miss Manners approves.

Also, periods. WE DESERVE OVERTIME WHEN MENSTRUATING.

Yes, my career boy husband cannot tolerate violence. He will close his eyes, and I perform the spousal service of whispering to him when it’s safe for him to peep again.

Leaving the misogyny aside for the moment, what did chipmunks ever do to him to merit such extreme disdain and contempt?

My only Thanksgiving home cooking stories are about making my sainted husband go to the grocery store four times while I’m cooking (“I need heavy cream, STAT!” He returns to me shrieking “I NEED FRESH TARRAGON LIKE YESTERDAY!” Etc., etc.). Everything turns out great. A price of human suffering is paid in the process.

If he works at a large law firm, he may never meet a client, ever. He could just keep toiling away, not on the partnership track. Another idea for what he could do: analyzing insurance coverage. When I worked at a large law firm, associates in the insurance group never met anyone from the clients. They just toiled…

We have a Cafe Gratitude, and a friend-of-a-friend was asked by the server, “What are you grateful for today?” and to be an asshole, he said, “Dick Cheney.”

Queer. Some people prefer that word.

Ugh, that ruins it. Don’t make Our Lady Of The Paperback into a mere paid ratfucker.

I am so fucking appalled by the parents who don’t tip on their kids’ meals. I went the opposite way: I was so self-conscious about my kids being messy, so I kept a running tally of the tip in my head when eating out with them. Every time they spilled something or made a noise (mind you, I did NOT stay in a restaurant…

Drunk driving is about the only thing I would call the cops over, because it is so likely to fuck up innocent people who are also out and about.

I felt the opposite way: after epic morning sickness, bedrest for premature labor, and then going late during a heat wave with a baby with an OFF THE CHARTS GIANT HEAD who presented with her elbow leading, causing an over 50-hour labor from hell, I was calling all the shots. Every last fucking shot. Naming rights were…

“ Giving a child their mother’s surname is still often met with confusion and chaos”: I wish you would not be so negative about this, Jezebel. Chaos? Really? Friggin’ Miss Manners gave this naming style a stamp of approval aeons ago.

But this does not stop cabdrivers from committing crimes. Here in SF, same city as this story with the rapey Uber driver, a cabdriver murdered a friend-of-a-friend (link at end of my comment). I have taken terrifying cab rides; once a road-raging cabdriver left the cab in the middle of a busy street and started a…

It sure beats raping someone and then denying it was rape. Or raping someone and thinking, “Hot damn, that is the stuff” and going on to become a serial rapist.

No treatment other than scoring some Percodans from my skeezy boyfriend for pain, but I was lucky and didn’t get an infection. For years it was visible on my arm, but today you’d never know anything happened to that arm.