thx i’m dumb now

So Lochte basically told the Cartman version of the story

I miss my namesake.

Obligatory

I’m not going to watch that video because just the thought of it makes me sick.

Her used singlet can now be bought from a vending machine.

All of Jezebel cums so hard.

Ileana Lochte: “Honey don’t you think you should make a statement about what occurred in Brazil?”

I bet Ryan will be really impressed with himself when he reads this.

And now he’s going to be disqualified for having the runs.

Did Lochte lie or just shade the truth? The story on deadspin published last night seems to be the most accurate and comprehensive order of events.

4 piss ass drunk swimmers vandalize a gas station at 6am. Security comes up and demands compensation speaking a foreign language and a gun may or may not have been drawn.

In…

I’m totally cool lying to a foreign government, especially a corrupt one. His allegiance is to the stars and bars, not crooked ass Brazil. But, man, if it’s true he did it to keep his chick from finding out, that’s a bad look. There are levels of chick you obstruct justice over. Kate Upton, Emily Ratajkowski, Betty…

That’s the thing about this that makes me think they were making the entire story up. That one little line. “With a gun pointed to my head and I’m like whatever.”

This isn’t Jezebel, poser.

wait until the saudi drift videos show up with one of these things doing 700 barrel rolls into a sand dune at 190 mph with the lifeless corpses of 4 ultrawealthy oil barrons jettisoning in all directions.

The NFLPA: When Roger Goodell Tries To Railroad You Into Discipline Because It Makes His Dick Hard To Do So, We’ll Be There To Support You With A VERY Strongly Worded Letter!

but yeah, nothing to see on the Peyton Manning front with it I guess?

Counterpoint:

Nothing summarizes the Ryan family better than the fact that Buddy named one of his horses “Fired For Winning.” Clearly, the man with the .500 career coaching record in the regular season and with zero playoff wins knew irony.

One of the most hardest rapin’ safeties in the league!