Chris Matthews is what happens when Cocaine and Adderall unite to form a pharmaceutical Voltron. I love him. He can never quite finish asking his goddamn question, no matter how many times his guests try to answer.

"Turkish Star Wars" is so much worse. It combines actual scenes from the original Star Wars with the best trash-can robot special effects the Turkish budget would allow. Also, the Turkish Darth Vader looks like a sentient butt-plug.

Not conservatives in general, but the far right—many of whom don't identify with a party. These are the people who make inflammatory, illogical statements to cloud the issue and prevent rational discussion of any topic with which they disagree. Look at the "My Little Pony" debacle from yesterday as but one example of…

This is the new direction of the far right: trolling. Any attention is good attention as far as they're concerned. They're like the kid in school who always wanted to be the class clown, but wasn't funny or likable enough—opting to become the class arsonist/psycho as a fall-back.

"Call me Ishmael…"

Conservatives are great at kind-of remembering the past, so they probably remember the time Ted Nugent bragged that he SHIT HIS PANTS in front of an army doctor to dodge the draft…Right? That must mean they have a better grasp of irony than I thought.

God hates mayonnaise on his hotdogs, so don't even ask for it. Remember: It's Ketchup and Mustard, not Ketchup and Custard!

Debbie is probably a ghost. That's the only logical explanation.

Still, the most dangerous thing on the playground: The guy with the oversize glasses "watching" the playground.

Does anyone know the emoji for "financial aid?" I send the robot the emoji for peaches and $100 later, I have $80 worth of produce and a bunch of ingredients I only bought because I happened to be in the one location that sells Gypsy Coriander, Tibetan Sambal etc.

I would have made at least one "FRIENDSHIP" or "BABALITY" joke. TechnicalIy, I think this video qualifies as both.

Better question: how did he get 88 carbon-based life forms to queue politely for the "privilege" of being dry-humped by a fucking stranger? My guess: he was releasing them from "Friendly Kumar's Touch-ateria."

Yes! And he has to have a mask entirely made out of his own clown-red hair—a comb-over mask that comes unglued every time he wrestles. Let's make this happen!

Wrestling is such a MIND FUCK. Watching the old ESPN wrestling broadcasts as a kid, I came to the "harsh" realization that "The Masked Wrestler" was just the same fat guy from 2 matches ago trying to get some overtime. He was wearing a potato sack on his head, so you weren't quite sure—that is, until you saw the same…

I beg your pardon, but our diplomatic envoy to Uzbekibekistanstan or wherever, Herman Cain, will need at least a little brown coloring. SHUCKY DUCKY!!

I like Kick-Boxing Academy, which is a rare gem of a film that is such a hot garbage-fire, you can't forget it. I also like a Steven Seagal film or two, and not one of the newer ones where he defends himself from bad guys by getting visibly fatter as the movie goes on.

Try Horse! but hole.

Agreed. Noah is a great comedian—and it's great to hear political comedy from a more worldly perspective. That said, a few of the new "correspondents" are not particularly well suited to the format. In particular, Ronny Chieng clearly doesn't have the comedic timing it takes to create a funny interview. His field…

I was expecting: "Everything you are doing is BAD…I want you to know dis…."

It's all in the reflexes….