You silly! You show them you’re a go-getter by wearing the shrunken heads of three of your enemies!

can’t wait til a pantsuit wearing woman gets elected to the highest office in the land! *knocks on wood, crosses self, dances over cracks in sidewalks, throws pinch of salt over left shoulder*

If I’m elected president, I’ll GUARANTEE that Ford won’t move their HQ to China. Vote LionZoo 2016! Make Lotus Great Again!

A hundred years ago an angry Austrian man didn’t get into art school and we got Hitler. Eighteen years ago an angry Austrian man got puked on. Dan, you’ve fucked us all.

I don’t know if they count, but I’d bet money that more hockey players are mowing lawns than any other pro athlete (of the four major sports anyway). Particularly if you want to get into snow shoveling.

Dan probably has an Inigo Montoya-esque revenge plot against him and this email gave the motorcyclist another clue to tracking him down.

I've been in the most rewarding, beautiful, healthy relationship of my life for the last eight years and it's got a heavy lean towards D/s and I call him Daddy. I could not care less if it makes some people feel funny. Actually I kind of enjoy that it makes some people squeamish if I'm being honest. I'm gonna keep…

The No. 2 won the Money In The Bank ladder match. Therefore guaranteeing himself a shot against No. 1 whenever he wants. Pretty common knowledge, if you ask me.

I hope they’re keeping all of the Deadspin-related verticals. This guy may not be a fan of the Deadspin homepage anymore, but at least he can still come on the Concourse.

...just the tips.

I’m a little surprised to be feeling so much “Nope” over this.

Sadly, we’ll only know how rich he is if he released his tax returns but he won’t because of all that money he gave NAMBLA.

It’s incredible to think that from ‘05-’07, Curt Schilling may not have been the biggest shithead in his own clubhouse.

Anne Hathaway?

Maybe they were just canoe-dling.

For some reason I expected a love triangle to be part of the story and now I'm disappointed. This is like freshmen year roommate level of intrigue.

You make me feel so blue. Grey. White? I don’t know.

Pictured: Lochte disarming the perpetrator.

Thank goodness he's ok - it would have been really ugly if he dyed.

Fuck both of these people - here’s some real news: