This. I’m too old for this shit.

Geno reminds me of the guy in the movie “The Replacements” that says to a news reporter “Do you have any idea how much insurance is on a Lamborghini motherfuc-” and then the camera cuts away.

I learned long ago that life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money. I don’t need any more knowledge than that.

Pay no mind, this has to be one of the same idiots that calls the packages of Oreos “boxes” too. Drives me fucking insane. It’s a plastic track in a plastic wrapper. There’s no goddamn box. Shut up.

I will never forget the internet, circa 2001-2002, for showing me the photos of him lying dead in his apartment. I wasn’t even attempting to look at them, someone just uploaded them and they got passed around and I inadvertently saw them. It still depresses me.

Mark is straight up disappointing. You don’t run away from an impending explosion, you walk away in slow motion, looking like a total badass.

I broke my finger by having a door slam shut on it once (thanks to a wind storm and a huge gust catching the door). Thank god that’s all that ever happened. I would have to think getting your finger cut off by something like a door would hurt a HELL of a lot more than a knife or a slicer. At least those are sharp and…

You can’t cuss on the internet, Pinkham. Get your shit together.

I like spicy food. My tongue and taste buds like spicy food. My esophagus and stomach like spicy food. My anus does not like spicy food. We’re supposed to be one system working together in harmony but nope, that one’s gotta screw it all up!

This is all fine and dandy but how the hell do people that mediate first thing in the morning not just fall back asleep? I’ve tried meditating a few times during the day/evening and I fall asleep then. If you tell me to wake up and sit up and immediately close my eyes and focus on relaxing, I’m going to fall asleep…

I think the WHITE CHEESE lady and the NO THE MEAT lady need to get together and have dinner.

“...for some reason.” SETH AND JOHN HAVE BEEF, OK? WAY BIGGER AND BETTER BEEF THAN ARBY’S HAS EVER HAD TO OFFER.

I shame ate fried chicken the other night in only my boxer briefs. It was 95 degrees out and my A/C wasn’t working. I had the window open with a fan on but it didn’t help, hence the necessity of being in only boxer briefs. When I finished eating I saw a glimpse of myself in the darkened screen of my TV: a grotesque,…

Fartgate is now a word I will be using on a daily basis.

That’s what I was getting at though. A “normal” car, like something a family man would own that get’s great gas mileage, like a Honda Civic or something along those lines. Personally, I think it would still be running. You’d probably have to go straight to a gas station and fill up so you could get home though.

I shave in the shower in the mirror sans shaving cream as well. I’m ambidextrous, but use my right hand more than my left, so I start on the right side. Get the entire right side done, do the same for the left side, finish with everything in the middle. Been doing it for 17 years now (I’m 31 and puberty hit hardcore…

I thought about emailing this question but then decided I could just ask it here and commenters would give me an equally good answer.

I agree with all of your list except for Strange Wilderness which is a goddamned modern day masterpiece that gets better every time I view it.

I don’t want to believe some of these stories but then I remember I spent 2 years as the lone cook at a small-town diner in my small town and know that they are all 100% true and un-embellished.

It’s not just restaurants, unruly kids suck everywhere. I got my haircut over the weekend. Spur of the moment decision, so I hit Great Clips. Not my first choice but I knew I could get in and out quickly. I no sooner get my name put in and get seated to wait my turn and a mother comes in with a DEMON SPAWN FROM HELL…