I was in Miami partying balls for WMC. On the last night there, cashed out as hell, my woman suggested we watch the happy Disney movie . . .

I have a 4 yo, and we ride that Winnie ride for very different reasons.

I took acid and went to Disneyworld and ordered one of those giant roasted turkey legs and freaked the fuck out and threw it in the trashcan.

And there's enough different stuff to look at to keep the little ones engaged while you help yourself to a mini-coma.

Seriously. Saving Mr. Banks promised me early Disneyland, and instead I got a gut-wrenching look at some poor girl who's beloved father drank himself to death.

By the same token: why can't we have a Splash Mountain movie?

If you call, you can book rooms at the Polynesian with sliding glass doors out to a grassy lawn just feet away from the pool. So swank and relaxing.

That works too. Last time I was at Disneyland, I went back to the hotel pool for a late lunch, had like 8 redbull vodkas, then went back to the park at dusk . . .

That's still the most disturbing (perhaps the only truly disturbing) part of Disneyland. How is it allowed to exist?!

Haunted Mansion: the fingerbanging capital of Disneyland.

Dr. Zirkoff? OUT!
Birdment? Jesus christ, OUT!
Revolution against Ming? Still in, except now there's an Imperial Senate . . .

Agreed: nothing beats the Polynesian or Contemporary hotels. Florida also has Epcot, where you can DRINK, and Animal Kingdom, which isn't all that hot but has the hands-down scariest ride of any amusement park on earth (the Dinosaur Adventure).

Can you pinpoint when you died inside?

Wrong: it doesn't have Indiana Jones, Mr. Toad's, Snow White, the Submarine ride and its Pirates is much shorter and less engaging.

No. If you went as a child and loved it, and go back as an adult and do drugs, you can love it just as much.

Pitch meeting: What if we remade Flash Gordon? But instead of being all colorful and campy and fun, we made it DARK and SERIOUS.

Not as bad as Tarantino.

They each have their individual charms.

And look at the wonderful person you've turned into today.

You're offended by cultural shorthand? What offends you more, seeing the American children dressed as cowboys or the Indian children with a Tiger?