He doesn’t really understand how it works if he wants the rope to be long.

“A western term...”

[FARTS TO DISPROVE EVOLUTION]

Paint a white stripe down the back of the feral cat. The skunk will mistake it for a lady skunk and fall madly in love with it. It will hop daintily toward and cat and begin kissing its arm. While the skunk is distracted, club it with a shovel.  

Paul Blart, Mall Cop: Shit is to Shart as Blood is to Blart

In the movie version Sater will say, “Looks like this guy wants assaulted margarita!”

what did we make her do

David Attenborough on a show wherein he narrated a detailed account of celebrity beefs would be my favorite thing.

Just full on David Attenborough that bullshit.

Albert Pujols was once as beloved as almost any player ever by his hometown fans, well on his way to being the defining player of his generation. Now he’s almost forgotten, washed up, and being forced to watch himself get surpassed by an even better player on a nightly basis, on a (still) shitty team.

I think I’d be able to deal with Trump as president if he wasn’t literally everything the GOP accused Obama of being.

Looking like a thumb seems to be his fetish.

Now now in all fairness he was most likely born an idiot.

“So we’re being asked to provide Constitutional protections for behavior, a choice in behavior as opposed to a primary characteristic.”

Sure, you could die in the line of duty but at least Eric could resurrect you.

“This is a pic of him (on the far right)“

I’m going to guess they’re going to trot out Mitch McConnell to say

always slide into firstbase head first

You’d think they’d be opposed to participation trophies, but here we are.

I’m still in disbelief that we’re apparently issuing governmental policy via 140 characters on a third-party private service.