Please. There's nothing more sinister than a street clown.

I'll always clap for balls.

I try to soothe myself by engaging in some hysterical forced laughter until my neighbors call the police.

Christian will be indifferent.

"Would roast chicken served alongside a vegetable hash and noodles be considered a proper lunch?"
Christ, how big are these soup bowls you're eating from?

I'm also considering drinking a little more, taking up heroin, and huffing Rust-oleum.

We need to show these kids the example he sets is a first class ticket to NOWHERE.

That didn't just happen, right? I just need to stop smoking so much weed. Right?

AV Club turned into a TV show so gradually I didn't even notice.

I'm gonna yell real loud at the TV.

Actual dialogue from the movie, I assume.

Radio Free Albuquerque

Foreplay is that much more arousing when it takes three and a half hours to remove someone's clothing.

Hopefully the stars will be abused this time, too.

I'm going to set up my DVR to record literally everything but this.

Just throw it on the floor and slurp it up like an animal.

Is it an actual craft beer, or just Busch in a Starbucks Totally Awesome and Definitely Craft Beer can?

Tell us more about Starbucks' wonderful products and unbeatable prices.

Android is bringing back the palantir.

I had an Ericsson rip-off. It was also okay.