Alien Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. "Thirteen glasses of water, please!" he says, winking at the others.

I con-cur.

thecausticgospel will hit the bar at 20:18.

Why don't you wake up and smell what you shovelin.

"That's because the tarantulas here are as big as Volkswagens."

Trump came to Boston thinking he could get the Keytar Bear to play, but Keytar Bear just wandered off playing "The Girl From Ipanema".

I also blame a delusional girl for the comments.

Look, if you want a Christmas without bacon, fine. Just leave me out of it.

Lessee, uhh…two people I find repellent.

How has it been lost? It's why we're here having this conversation.

Michael Bolton has sold 53 million albums.

Supposedly

Did someone else catch up on Life In Pieces last night?

Oh, fuck me with a railroad spike.

The ampersand will be in attendance as the "fat guy comic relief".

I thought the Angry Birds movie was rock bottom and once again I am wrong.

They really are bad sweaters.

I am of the Strangelovian sect. The rest of you are heretics.

I find their lack of faith disturbing.

Happy Holidays, have some dead puppies.