He’s a teetotaler, so it’s probably a room temperature can of Tab or some other 1980s soda atrocity.

I’m not going to lie, every time I see an article about a $50k fundraiser where attendees can take pictures with the President, I think it might be worth cashing out part of my 401k for the chance to tell him to go fuck himself in person.

That’s actually a plank in the GOP’s 2020 platform.

I would expect a dip in enrollment at the ol’ Accelerated Bridge Construction University Transportation Center.

If I had a time machine, and I could only use it once, I’d use it to transport a middling Division I football team back to the 1970s and watch them utterly destroy the undefeated season Dolphins.

“I brought my own microphone!” —Joyce Brothers

“Or a hobo.” —the Browns

He’s afraid to even fire people face to face. He’s the epitome of a soft Twitter bully.

I want them to draft Lamar Jackson so bad I can fucking taste it. I’ll be able to hear people keeling over in their rusty Southern Tier trailers from miles away.

I think it’s really underappreciated that he named his son after one of his aliases for feeding bullshit to the press.

My kid wants me to take him to a Skins game and I keep inventing new excuses to avoid it because everyone at an NFL game is a drunken belligerent asshole.

As a Bills fan and Buffalo resident, I wholly support this complaint. I’m trying to decide between “sparsely attended preseason game” and “take him to a UB…

It wasn’t a very good defensive effort, but I think we should congratulate Richard Kind on losing all that weight.

“They gave me tenure!” —Otto

My school is in something called the “College Basketball Invitational” after utterly collapsing in their conference tourney, so that’s super-fun.

The Legion of Boom’s realization that they won’t call holding if you do it on every single play might be the greatest football innovation since the forward pass.

Exactly this. If Republicans had superdelegates as part of their process, we might have an experienced politician in the White House instead of a lunatic game show host.

invariably, what they describe is a bone-deep conviction that there is an enemy out there, and it will strike if they let their guard down.

The single most distinguishing personality trait among the Trump-supporting Republicans I know is that they’re all terrified of everything, all the time. They go out of their…

Applaud ONLY for Scrantonicity 2, NOT Scrantonicity.

“Fired for cause? What cause?”