If there’s an afterlife, I’m going to find Lincoln and ask if it was worth it.

We’re in a very Italian neighborhood, so my sons’ little league teammates are all named Dominic, Joey, Paulie, Vito, Joey, Sal, or Joey.

If you’re at an honest-to-god steakhouse, do it Oscar style or don’t even bother.

I enjoy the rusted-trailer portions of New York State incessantly demanding that we should cut New York City loose, because clearly the only thriving city in the state is a financial drain on the rest.

“Republican voters just need to see scary ads with abortion footage and brown people cashing those sweet welfare checks after driving to the bank in their taxpayer funded Cadillac, and they’ll fall right in line every time.”

Not sure which member of my family you are, but I’ll see you at Dad’s for Christmas! Don’t…

Indeed. Anecdotally, I’ve found that life is just an endless cycle of realizing how fucking dumb you were five years earlier.

I think there’s a couple JC Penneys left, but you’ll have to hurry.

Which dipshit red state was it that passed the law banning SNAP recipients from buying seafood or chips? Practically speaking, that meant no more cans of tuna fish, but Cheez Doodles were fine. GOOD WORK RIGHT WING!

Don’t forget about Death Tax, a Luntzian fabrication that says rich assholes should be able to dodge taxes for their entire lives and then also after they die.

“But he was only supposed to do horrible shit to Other People!” is the plaintive wail of the native Trumpkin.

It’s Christmas special season and if you have Netflix or Amazon Prime you know that there are a LOT of off-brand Christmas specials lingering the bowels of every studio’s archives.

Calling yourself “the Harvard of the South” is like saying “this is the fanciest cheese at the 7-11".

Join me across the street. The Canisius Golden Griffins are having a good season.

VEGAN AF

No idea what you mean.

One of the local high schools changed their team name from “Redskins” to “Legends”, and now the comment section of every story in the local paper is absolutely festooned with peaked-in-high-school motherfuckers complaining about it. Can’t wait to see that on a national scale.

Love these guys. In our local newspaper, they constantly complain about how “the city” is a cesspool of guns and violence, a war zone really, because they know someone who knows someone whose cousin’s brother-in-law got mugged after a Sabres game in 1983.

Virginia are the ones that call the campus “Grounds”, right? Like, “last evening The Grounds were full of Nazis again.”

I’ve got a set of monogrammed highball glasses and a matching whisky decanter. Best wedding gift ever. Makes even the cheapest booze seem classy.

“Hey, what should we call our artisanal marshmallows that have been crafted with cane sugar and cage-free egg whites? How about FLOATERS? Nothing says Christmas like a big, hot, chocolatey floater! Does that work for everyone? Why is Ned laughing?”