Kids used to learn everything they needed to know about money from their families.

Of course, everything they needed to know was “this is a savings passbook”, “the widget factory in our town will pay for your pension”, and “this is a checkbook”. Things have gotten a bit more complex.

The single most important financial decision that you make is deciding who to marry. Not just because divorce is expensive, but because it affects every aspect of your financial life.

The vacancy is filled. The dude’s NAME is “Spicer”.

Your average person doesn’t understand how government works

If you pause the lottery, you can see the exact moment his heart breaks when he realizes the Oilers will choo-choo-choose him.

Tragically, my bicycle commute is up to about twenty minutes, the longest of my career.

Commuting is boring and expensive. My coworkers may call my neighborhood “the ghetto” (it’s not), but they’re the dumb fucks still trying to pay off a mortgage and a car note at 60.

Every parenting book on Earth tells you to NOT repeat commands to your kids.

Why would Ryan need to commission a portrait of himself as a centaur?

Yeah, that’s gotta be just terrible for you. —Sabres Fans

+1 bullshit excuse about “economic anxiety”

something something white history month something

“Having trouble getting a raise from the owner of the diner where you wait tables? Have you tried being the third generation of a corrupt real estate dynasty?”

We will have a President Braeydaen in our lifetimes.

We’re only a few decades away from every woman in the nursing home having a tramp stamp.

My favorite, from “Secret Window Secret Garden”:

Thanks. I’m pretty much an old-school Northeastern Republican, which means I’m a registered Democrat who the Tea Party members in my family call a libtard snowflake Commie elitist.

Hilariously enough, Nixon was interested in universal health coverage and guaranteed basic income. He was way too liberal to be a credible Democratic candidate these days, now that the Democrats spent the last three decades becoming Republicans and the Republicans spent the last three decades eating lead paint chips…

“I’ll just get my dad Fred to buy all their slaves. Why not, his money bailed out my casinos enough times.”

She refuses to acknowledge that she’s from Florida?

He was certainly better than Ryan Fitzpatrick. Holy shit, what a stiff.