In German class our professor had us translate children’s books into English as an assignment. The one I got was sort of a Chicken Little deal where each page described how different animals reacted to a cataclysm. My favorite was “Der Fisch hatte Angst.”

Twenty years from now I’m gonna forget how to use a fucking fork. “What IS this doohickey?

a lot of these guys at the top are morons, who couldn’t spell realpolitick

The irony of Harry Kane leaving everyone’s jaw on the floor.

Toussaint L’Outtahere

Zlatan continued: “no, really, where was I? It feels like I played for like a hundred different clubs in there."

Iiiiiiiin south Philadelphia with my mom
Up the first-base line was where I had my glove on
Chillin’ out maxin’ relaxin’ in my seat
And a foul ball comes shootin’ outside of my reach
When the only other kid who gave the slightest shit
Started out first and beat me to it
He got one little hug when he handed me the ball
McCart…

And maybe—maybe!—he doesn’t even have to be in a standing position to carry New Orleans to the NBA Finals.

Dear Penthouse,

I’m not being defensive. You’re the one being defensive.

In his defense, he’s a dumb dipshit.

This bird is really hoping you didn’t notice that fart.

I would feel bad for Laker fans if I were capable of such a feeling, but Griffin is just cackling over their corpse now

The thing that I don’t get is the idea that there seems to be no sort of middle ground between “Sometimes people are overly critical of the way athletes celebrate” and “There’s no such concept whatsoever of sportsmanship and being a graceful winner.”. Like, both of those things have truths. 

I don’t get it either, and I’m not really sure why Alex Morgan was playing in the 87th minute of this game. To be fair, they plugged in a bench player like Carli Lloyd. She’ll never get a chance to play otherwise.

Fuck, your article and the first comment I read completely miss the point: nobody disputes that the U.S. was justified in scoring as many times as possible, with goal differential being a factor in the standings. It’s about celebrating the 8th or 9th or 10th goal and beyond against an outclassed, clearly dispirited…

A horse like to run on a course, of course,
And your horse won’t die on a course, of course 
Unless your horse runs the Santa Anita course, then your horse is probably dead.

Finally, someone brings up LeBron. Thank you for all that you do. 

The only people who lose are the people who tossed asterisks on the times the Warriors stomped out LeBron. 

Who The Hell Wants To Run The Wizards?