I really enjoy how transparent and implausible it is. We’re supposed to buy that this is a christmas present for her husband (i.e. the box and wrapping paper) but it’s posted a whole week before the day. If it were in any way authentic, it would mean he had to spent that week pretending he didn’t know about her…

My current fetus is sponsored by beers in the driveway on a Saturday evening.

You know someone is serious about law school when they start searching for online courses.

Their hit song, “WTF R U Looking At, Asshole?” hit 1032 on Billboard.

I saw a pickup with blue truck nuts the other day. Said pickup also sported the following bumper stickers:

That dick if soft would be like at least an 8. Soft. Why would you ever go the tuck route.

Cheap Pussy Jewelry sound like the name of a punk band.

Mine are basically fused together. I’ll be a mermaid soon enough.

They also likely have a Grand Canyon of a thigh gap. I can’t imagine this shit being comfortable regardless, but it seems it would be significantly less irritating if your inner thighs have never met. Mine are BFFs though, so what the hell do I know.

Who wouldn’t want contact dermatitis from cheap pussy jewelry?

I never believed they were a real religion until the child/sexual abuse allegations surfaced.

News like this makes Mike Pence so bereft he reaches across the space between the beds to Mother for comfort. No dirty stuff, as it’s not Saturday night between 9:15 and 9:22 or the handicapped bathroom stall at the Golden Corral.

I can’t believe that he made an apology that was just as offensive as his initial email. I think that we just found Trump’s next Communications Director.

Leann Rimes

Any truth to the rumor that WH staffers have covered up all the mirrors, because Trump keeps on attacking that other president?

The current way is to treat others unfair until all are treated fair.

Nora is awesome and lovely and I want a polar bear but I know it would grow up and eat me because polar bears are godless killing machines but I love her anyway.

I promise there is nothing subtle about your parking your seat on my knees. Especially if you then spend much of the flight hunched forward.

At 6'-6", I notice. No ha.

Patrick has been fired for not referencing the extensive real-world history of ballistas being used to kill flame-breathing magical lizards the size of 747s.