Late to the party, but fuck my donkey! (Clint Howard quote from a terrible Uwe Boll movie).

I’ve tried to worry (okay, no I haven’t!). I sincerely just go “Huh.” whenever I see a “Special Report” flash on TV. Either my heart medicine is working much better, or I give many more no fucks.

Damn, that thing’s still around? I tried to read one of the books when I was bored (pre-cell phone era--1994ish.) I just got one of the secretarial stylebooks instead. Much more interesting to learn about how to address various people in a letter (ex. if there’s a couple and the wife is a doctor, it’s Dr. and Mr.! I…

I will never understand why folks just don’t put it in a Big Gulp cup. Yes, you may have to do some trickery at the bus stop (if so, then find a nice clump of trees or a bathroom!) but it can be done. Walking around with a brown paper bag = possible stop by police. Walking around with a Big Gulp = a fine day’s work!

You’ve given me an idea...you can only drink so much vodka straight. I need to pace myself for the rest of the “President’s” “term.”

Wait.

I’m sure there’s a book by someone named Bob that can explain it. Or perhaps the lengthy article by Ms. Hope could do it...

Everygoddamnwhere?

I don’t get it—that’s a PARTICULAR DOLL! It’d be like saying, why she wants a Dora doll or (insert other non-white popular doll here). Even I know that’s Dr. McStuffins, and I’m old as shit.

YES.

Damn, I haven’t been this surprised since learning Rock Hudson, Liberace, and Richard Pryor, Jr. were gay.

Man, I complain about TIF for Wal-Mart (WAL-MART!!!!) and similiar businesses all the time. I also walk by/drive by that Spruce Goose TWA Dome 5 days a week. How they expected to keep the Rams here after losing the Big Red (could’ve built them a stadium, but noooooo....had to be in the city!) is beyond me.

Oh....shit. I TOTALLY FORGOT the “It’s God’s will.” Motherfuckers will say that when babies die. YOU DON’T DO THAT. I don’t care how religious you are--unless you KNOW that that sentiment will be accepted (and you don’t), please don’t say that. It makes God look like the Ultimate Asshole.

Yeah, if I’d had any sense, I wouldn’t have gone to a mere memorial—I was wrecked for months afterwards, and this was “just” my piano teacher for 20 years! (Yes, a professor said that as I was sniffing in the office. I may have said “I will end you” in terrible German (which he didn’t understand) under my voice.

I did that twice. One was for my piano teacher, which was a total shitshow. He’d had relatives that he hadn’t been in contact with for decades, so it was just us (students), and other music teachers. It wasn’t even a fucking funeral (“just” a memorial), and I didn’t stop crying from the time I got out of the damn car…

It is! Especially when they do three! (Thanks, abscessed wisdom tooth!) It’s even more interesting when the phlebotomist doesn’t do it right and the floor is covered with a not small amount of blood. Some people just don’t draw blood well. They’re not in the right profession, but meh. Some dentists are butchers, some…

Yeah, because he’s acting like he’s ‘67 Comeback Special Elvis or something. Dude? HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF?! All the white maleness in the world won’t make you handsome. You can’t even be handsome in that weird, quirky way. Ugly to the BONE.

Jesus, why doesn’t he just get the “Moe” and be done with it.

That’s true--there’s no alternative! You can’t really even use “lady,” because you sound like an ass relaying a message like “Mr. X, there’s a lady here to see you.” Compare that to “Mr. X, there’s a gentleman here to see you.” (This is when they refuse to give you their name--c’mon, who’s going to want to talk to…

Shit, I’d rather that was a pack of Marlboros or Pall Malls. I’ve been to too many sports events where there were kids chawin’ and spittin’ into cups, cans, and sometimes between the bleachers. Goddammit, you could still smoke back then (outside football games). I wouldn’t have minded clouds of smoke, but that…