My aunt says pasketti instead of spaghetti. I rolled my eyes so hard once that I nearly went blind for a week.

That’s how we spell it at the liberry.

That is like Flacco-level eliteness there.

Michelin Star dining 101: Chef’s tasting menus are for hipsters, you know what you want and how you want it better than some tattooed culinary school hero.

Is Garden State a great film? No. But it’s not a bad one either. The soundtrack was great, though (Disclosure: A friend of mine has a song on the soundtrack so I may not be impartial).

we get it, you're very cool

I haven’t any right to criticise books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticise Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Everytime I read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ I want to dig her up and beat her…

This weekend I had my four-billionth customer respond to “Can I get you anything else?” with “Yeah, a stack of hundreds, har har har.” I’d just had two miserable shifts in a row, the highlight of which was the homeless drunk who came in and vomited blood all over the floor. I replied “I don’t have any hundreds back…

Sia is weird and crazy, and I love her so much. I will listen to her with her face covered, or not. Or in a box, or with a fox. I will listen to her here or there. I will listen to here everywhere. She is killer.

I loved The Church Lady too, but that damn, “Oh, I don’t know...could it be SATAN?!” almost got me in trouble at my uncle’s funeral.

Normally I’d give the funny answer, but for once, I’ll give the honest answer. 95% of religious folk are perfectly normal and nice. But then religion gives the majority of the remaining 5%, who would have been whackos and/or assholes even as agnostics and atheists, a societially-approved excuse to act exactly like…

When I worked retail, I came out of the stock room to say an employee had passed out, and a customer upon hearing this asked me to ring them up.

You don’t need to feed your Jesus statue. He’s already..

Several halloweens ago, I was at a house party with a few friends and lots of people I didn’t know. I walked into the bathroom and walked right in on a nun giving a BJ to Jesus while he was drinking a glass of wine and smoking a cig.

HOT TAKE: Maybe Garden State wasn’t actually that bad?

Relax, Natalie. People hate The Phantom Menace way more than they hate Garden State.

So you’re saying you were slain?

Ina, there’s fucking KALE on the top of the cupcake. I don’t have children, but if they ate a kale cupcake and didn’t realize it was made of kale, I would consider myself a failure of a parent.