Your standards are awe inspiring.

Nobody likes atheists. Not even atheists.

Awesome.

Sadly, Gawker Media’s favorite chancre doesn't.

I am unable to mock you properly on Kitchenette.

You suck so hard.

Excellent, thank you.

You shut your mouth.

I don’t necessarily have the same values, find the same things interesting, or even find her interesting. That being said, she works hard and I’d bang her like a drum.

I kinda like her.

This made me pine for the days when Gawker did real stories, like helping blackmailers out people who work for Conde Nast.

Sorta like the time I went to P-town.

For some reason I always have to stay home with the kids. I’m starting to get suspicious.

We’re doing Florida next winter, but most of our time will be spent visiting the mouse. For some reason she gets to go to the Keys every couple of years, while I’ve never been.

No fish? I was told there would be fish.

Do you bite your lip? Please tell me you bite your lip.

You sound white

Miller Lite is the correct answer.

Buffalo style is whathappens when white people discover hot sauce.

Just drink more, slacker.