Robert Kardashian was O.J.'s. lawyer, so O.J. is indirectly responsible for unleashing the Kardashians on the world. You'd think that alone should carry a life sentence.

Hey it's that thing the younger people on my Facebook feed have been posting memes of all week! So technically I've heard of it before just now.

Stretching like the way people stretch a two-syllable word into three?

241 years ago, we formed our own country because of the way you guys say "binoculars."

One million is big. One billion is bigger. One thousand times one million. That's one billion.
https://youtu.be/qOYf_1I4VBQ

When this first broke, I wondered if he could still be Wembley in a possible Fraggle revival, as they weren't part of the Disney deal. But clearly that's a giant "NO!"

"I'm Caitlyn Jenner and I'm going to make whatever state this is great again!"
"Say uh, didn't you run over somebody?"
"I see where you're confused. That was Bruce Jenner. I'm Caitlyn Jenner."

Oh no, not Smeg too!

Obviously "William Shartner" was already taken.

Paint my fence!

I gave them a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, but they never did it!

I heard it as "she's…av-UNC-u-lar." which was…confusing

"Pope Francis doesn’t care about your celiac disease."

Christ, what an asshole.

What you're smelling is regurgitated patchouli and kale.

Yeah, what's the big deal with Wonder Woman? She doesn't even pre-chew her kids' food and spit it into their mouths!

My brand!

He doesn't have my brand. I have special eyes.

Or Marcon, or Trudeau. Trump falls just behind Peter O'Neill in the list of contenders for "Leader of the Free World."

Mike Mozart better hope that there are no "tapes" of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!