Well I hope my grandparents don't. It used to be their house.

I don't necessarily believe in ghosts, but just to be safe, I furiously masturbate in every room of my house to make any ghosts too uncomfortable to stick around. It's worked so far.

The calls are coming from inside the uterus!

I like to think of it as Uncle Scrooge's money bin. Instead of sharing them with the world where any Tom, Dick, or Shia LeBouf can steal them, I store them all at the A.V. Club, where I can occasionally swim in them.

Oh God, the puppy wasn't under the couch, was it?

That's why I keep all my jokes here, where no one will ever find them.

"Frank Stallone ("Barfly") gives an explosive performance!"
- Frank Stallone, Barfly

I have an Xbox360, for Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, and HBO Go, only one of which I'm "borrowing" from my mom. Anything not on any of the above can be purchased for like 2 bucks per episode.

Of course he did, cousin, don't be ridiculous.

Two of them. Color and everything. Well not everything, not cable. But color.

I thought I'd come home, sit down and watch last night's Rick & Morty on Hulu. But Hulu still only has the first season. What am I supposed to do now, watch it on my computer like a goddamn peasant?

It's their own fault for ending up there. Never get in a van with the word "Candy" spray painted on the side.

Dear Juggalo, is Baphomet down with the clowns?

I love the one-word pull quotes, like "Fun!" When the best you can do is find one positive word in an entire review, you know your movie is garbage.

Little ditty about Bojack and Diane…

It's like seeing a rainbow, but with all the colors.

Did it involve tiny hamburgers?

I'm serious, I will do the Funky Spiderman. I've got a kit and everything.

Shipping is a stupid pointless thing only idiots do, but if Bojack and Wanda don't get back together I will literally die.

I've followed his page for a while, and not knowing who the person in the picture is doesn't really matter, because the humor comes more from the ridiculous situations. I have no idea who Roy Walker is, other than a guy who most likely says "Say what you see" (which may or may not be similar to U.S. Homeland…