Scene: NFL Head Office

genuinely unsure how anyone with any reading  comprehension could come to this conclusion

Is it? I’d rather play for the Jets than have to watch the Jets. 

Bruh, why this part of the article look like the “key skills” section of Donald Trump’s Resume?

Hold up.

or 3) your parents parlay it into your 15 minutes (or more) of fame. The kid gets a DeMarcus Lawrence jersey for Christmas, parents contact the Cowboys public relations people and arrange a whole thing where he meets DeMarcus again after a game, gets his new jersey signed in front of media people, goes on the Today…

Sign for a kid, he sells it on ebay once.  Dunk on a kid, he has a bar story for life.

Not the Antonio Brown come back story I expected.

Five bucks says the Patriots knew about this. Five more says the Raiders didn't.

In the cases of Cone and Maddux, I would argue that the results from having a personal catcher were well worth it. Unless you think that somehow Maddux winning 355 games was disappointing.

Ummmmm....NFL Wide Receivers??????

Apparently some people can get CTE from coaching football.

Seems like an optimal time for Dan Snyder to swoop in and cause some chaos...

You know how they name diseases after famous people that had them? (ALS is “Lou Gehrig’s disease.” I’m pretty sure AIDS is named after Tom AIDS, the guy who had sex with that monkey.)

And then somehow ends up on the Patriots

They're on track for 0-16, which is more likely than them winning the Super Bowl right now

a staggering 18 penalties for 182 yards

if they’re looking for candidates, i know a guy who has a baseball background as a player and a business background as an exec for a video game company. he’s also got a real handle on social media and can probably procure state funding like a badass.

Having never been touched like that by a woman before, it was all he could do to prematurely eject her.

Growing up, he probably had years of coaching from a master on the subject, a Maestro if you will.