Awww, the love of my parents. I wanted a peanut!

So a former co-worker of mine is married to a guy who works for McDonald's corporate. He's some sort of manager or finance person, don't recall exactly which. The company does make him and his colleagues go out and do an occasional day of grunt work at an actual restaurant. On the occasion of him getting posted to a…

… it can be two things!

That's great, because it turns out I often substitute food for loving!

If you want to, sure. I'd recommend stretching out your extraoculars first so you don't get a strain.

Well… in my travels to South America (Chile, Argentina, and Uruguay), full-on making out in public appeared to be socially permissible (at least in the cities).

That sounds like the sort of thing a Hitler would say!

Man, there are entire countries on this planet that would disagree with you! Like, big chunks of Europe and South America.

… I'm not sure you understand how communication on the Internet works.

Before or after they got done scratching their heads and asking themselves, "huh, when did Louis CK stop being a straight man and start being a lesbian?"

Hooooo-GAAAAAAAN!

Well sir (or whatever you identify as), that "poor soul" who was so put upon went on to engineer two major promotions for me and, for most of the decade since we shared an office, was my go-to reference when I was seeking employment. She and her husband also served as the photographers at my wedding. So by my…

I'll take your word for it, Chief. You seem to be this thread's expert on being a complete shit.

The flip side of that — I have several friends whose reaction, rather than getting aggressive, is to become super apologetic about the fact that they eat meat at all. Usually they go on to point out that they don't eat "much" meat, and what meat they do eat is free-range, reduced-cruelty meat.

I actually used to be kind of a shit about it back when I was a meat-eater, truth be told. Several jobs ago, I shared an office with my vegan manager, and I used to gleefully eat cheesesteak subs in front of her, declaring them to be "carnage and slavery" subs.

PETA's sanctimonious enough for all the vegetarians.

I have to ask you — under the scenario you've outlined, in which everyone wants to go get burgers except for the one vegetarian, what do you expect the vegetarian to do?

So… you have no problem accommodating vegetarians as long as it requires absolutely no actual accommodation on your part, is what you're saying.

But… he's not Russian. He's Lithuanian by birth. And today is the first anniversary of his wife's death.

You need to trade up to a cooler deity, man.