I will bet you cash money that he’s one of those people who think their dates all go horribly “because women aren’t into nice guys.”

I hope it escalates, and we start seeing it all over a certain website that’s an anagram for “Ejzebel.”

I’ve spent ten minutes staring off into space trying to find one. The day a stage makeup class covers drag makeup? Nope. An alien looking for feedback on the robot human he’s piloting? Close but still no.

Are you getting hit by backpacks a lot? By any chance, are you one of those people who stand right near the doors and refuse to move into the middle of the train? I've noticed that these people get backpack-smacked like pinatas, and I'm okay with that.

Dave Matthews, the guy who spent half a Details interview talking about how he loved sex so much he wished his nose was a penis? I don’t really associate the word ‘discreet’ with someone like that.

I have to imagine that sex with David Byrne is utter performance art. Like, giant puppets and beds that fly apart and become a city skyline while taiko drummers perform in the next room.

What's with the bucket of water? Is it a sad variant of how the winning coach gets splashed with gatorade?

In a scientific poll taken by Oakenguy Labs, 100% of respondents* would deal with a baby goat head-butting their door by opening the door and letting the goat trip-trap trip-trap his way inside to hang out and have a snack. Wth, Paramus?

Yeah, seriously. Someone hire that writer.

I was in Portland this morning and the three top local news stories were 1) this, 2) a high school principal arrested for OUI (.11 on the test!), and 3) a mother and son arrested for doing a string of muggings together. She’d distract them, he’d tase them.

I want a lot more details about her roommate, like whether they’ve been living together through the whole debacle or whether she moved in a month ago completely innocently and is suddenly like “Why is the Channel 8 news van outside our house?”

Oh. My. God. I never realized that. That's brilliant.

Portland, Maine. (Often referred to by residents as "No not that one, the OTHER Portland.")

Four or five years in the future when the space aliens reveal they've been among us trying to pose as humans, some of these stories will be Exhibit A.

Y'know, say what you will about Oberlin (and I have, at length) at least everyone there had equally shitty haircuts.

Yeah, those "free hugs" people are definitely pretty close to Patient Zero.

Agh, the whole prison with its "hundreds of zombies on the other side of the fence? Let's just ignore them until it becomes plot-relevant" drove me nuts. It's pest removal, people. You give a few people protective gear and long thin pointy spears that fit between the chain links in the fence and tell them they earn…

Within ten seconds of attending an anime convention for the first time, I got to see a pikachu cosplayer getting arrested for shoplifting. It was glorious.

So the uber-defensive commenter who responded to the last article about Connors/Rankowski insisting that he was receiving proper psychiatric care, had a support network who were watching out for him and making sure he took his meds, and wasn't nearly the threat he was being portrayed as—was that Rankowski, Hyde, or…

During the Boston DNC there was an Indiana Jones-themed party for the Whips*, and I was one of the performers hired to mingle with the crowd and entertain**. My job was to be a fortune teller, so I spent the evening wandering around with a crystal ball improvising improbable-but-entertaining answers to peoples'…