That's sort of a "if an alien tried to do a Grumpy Cat facepaint, not having any real idea of how facepaint's supposed to work or what cats look like and only having Grumpy Cat described to them by a four year old" look.

I've visited Salem a few times in October, and whenever the kitschiness and idiocy of some tourists get a bit overwhelming I like to imagine how horrified and outraged it would make the ghosts of the Puritans who conducted the witch hunts. It's the equivalent of turning Michael Vick's apartment, with all his…

As superpowers go, I think "Blood Drips of DOOM" is really drawing the short straw. The first time there's a major crisis that threatens a very large region (or, in other words, every March) you're dead from blood loss.

Of all the singers out there to sing a ballad about how important it is to smile, they choose one who always performs with her back to the camera? That's some delicious irony.

There is so much potential in the sentence "One day I was working a banquet of private investigators", that reading the rest of the paragraph was a little heartbreaking.

She should keep it going! Next year she should get " <—-Now I regret this one too "

It's very very important not to get ounces and tablespoons confused when you're baking.

I have to ask myself what the quickest dealbreaker would be: finding a much-loved Ayn Rand book on my date's bookshelf, or finding this outfit in their closet.

One of the greatest experiences I've ever had playing video games came in Kingdom Hearts when I ran into this guy...and was then able to hit him over the head with a big glowing stick. Take THAT, childhood nightmares.

To be fair, this is exactly how I smuggle my own popcorn into movie theaters.

I'm in a LARP that uses nerf weaponry, and I know at least four people who are going to have emotional meltdowns when they see that Vimeo.

Were you aware that when you're passing out birdseed so that the happy crowd can toss it at the bride and groom as they head for their limo, you should take a moment to explain to the children in the group, "OPEN the packet first. Do not just throw the entire bundle at them, because it'll feel like they're suddenly…

There are currently two different arguments occurring on my Facebook feed, and I really wish either of them were being handled as articulately and on point as this one is.

Oh phoo; I had a whole Dickens scene sketched out where former writers sit around like Mrs. Haversham in the dusty rags of their blogging outfits*, clicking 'refresh' with their gnarled aged fingers. And thank you!

Wait what? The idea of former Gawker/Jezebel writers going back to click on their goodbye posts weeks after they've left to see whether anyone might have left them a new comment is the saddest thing I've read all day. And it's my birthday. :(

Those last two sentences kinda leave a bad taste in my mouth. It makes the whole post sound like "Take a look at this cute video of animals that usually suck and who I wish I didn't have to write about!"

86% match?? That'd ruin my whole day.

This is the exact plot of a Doonesbury strip from the mid-80s. I look forward to hearing about how Jesse Angelo becomes the Governor of American Samoa.

"He fucked my name right in front of me."

Maybe he was delusional enough to hope that the reaction would be "Omg, you love trolling too?? Scooch over, let's go to Deviantart and critique some teens so badly they never draw anything again!"