Ohmigod what a horrible, horrible job. I bet it's some poor unpaid intern who thought they were being clever when they put "experience using social media" in their job app, and now they have to spend 12-hour days going "NO GUYZZ SHES NOT RILLY RACIST ITS JUST TEH BAD CAMERA ANGLE" all over the internet.

I like to think that the bleach only took in cotton ball-sized patches, so now on top of everything else their asses are mottled with white spots and they look like the world's ugliest, most racist fawns.

I want to live in this world. Where is our "RICHARD SIMMONS HAS A POSSE" graffiti?

Somewhere one of the staff writers of 'Girls' is flat out cut & pasting this entire article into their script.

What?! My cosplay is now RUINED!

This article would be much more interesting if a Jezebel intern was writing it.

"It took me back to a time when I was about to lose my virginity."

They were probably thinking about how breeding has produced things like domestic turkeys. Wild turkeys can have lifespans of 20 years, but because domestic turkeys have 'evolved' to gain so much mass so fast, after about three years—even at the most ethical, gentle farm you can find—their legs can't support their own…

Remember that 'This American Life' episode way back in 2006 when Ira Glass did a fifteen-minute monologue about how the mere sight of John Kerry upset him and he wished Kerry would just disappear into oblivion where he so obviously belonged? Every time I hear about Kerry doing something cool like this, a tiny petty…

This was almost exactly my argument when people were advocating getting a Kickstarter together for a second Firefly movie. "You already lost two beloved characters, people! Who will you sacrifice next?"

Ohmigosh, I hope not. Though I'd love to read the movie script that tried to do that *and* be accessible to new viewers.

I normally don't like watching ads before a video, but whoever paired this up with a camera ad starring a french bulldog is a genius.

If I'm ever a boss, that excuse will be my kryptonite. (Especially if accompanied by actual cookies.)

Is it possible you love hooping so much that you're being a tiny bit over-defensive here? Professional weighted hoops cost this much, yes. But the words "professional" and "weighted" are absolutely nowhere in the catalog description.

The Weird Al/Gene Simmons "Accidental Bassist" tune is already in the recording studio.

Until you can prove that the lyrics weren't written in an El Paso Best Western, I'mma still have my doubts.

He got a pretty good rating from his students on 'ratemyprofessor.com', but this entry from 2011 is very interesting (even if someone spelling 'tenure' as '10 year' makes me cry):

Remember that Very Special Storyline where one of Littlefinger's prostitutes overdosed on caffeine pills, and everyone in the cast got very sad and learned that drugs were bad?

I'd walk an extra mile to avoid daily kale breakfast shakes.

Remember when Ira Glass devoted a whole portion of a 'This American Life' episode to a rant about how tired he was of John Kerry and how much he wished he'd shut up and go away? Every time Kerry does something cool like this a cranky little part of my brain remembers that broadcast and thinks "Fuck you, Ira".