I'm a New York Jew who reads the Times... where's MY Vogue profile??

Much like South Park, Schumer fearlessly tackles taboo subjects like incest and bodily excretions, except she’s a person, not a cartoon.

I love that Vogue considers Schumer’s totally unsurprising fondness for the New York Times to be a literary eccentricity requiring ethnographic contextualization:

She’ll be tweeting out her thoughts and prayers to Ms. Cox’s family any moment now, so it’s all good.

Jayda Fransen, deputy leader of Britain First, said the party was “looking into the reports right now”. “We were extremely shocked to see these reports and we are keen to confirm them, because of course at the moment it is hearsay,” she said. “This has just been brought to our attention. This is absolutely not the…

And if anyone comes on saying that gun laws don’t work cos of this they can kindly go fuck themselves.

This is comparatively local to me, and it’s breaking my heart.

I’m sure we’re supposed to be all “wah wah poor widdle millionaires” but hot damn if I wouldn’t also be fed up with that crap. 8:30 AM is a perfectly reasonable time to start construction work. 6 GODDAMN AM IS NOT.

I’ve lost two jobs solely based on the reporting of my case.

2016 America: Where a 12-year old boy is shot and killed by the police for playing with a toy and it’s his fault because he should have “known” that people would see him as a threat, while a full-grown adult who rapes an unconscious woman and tries to flee should only have to endure a couple months of jail because…

AND, it being God’s plan, she HAD to sleep with this guy before marriage, SO, she’s really a not a hypocrite AND he pregnancy is proof that she’s a better person than all of those other women, who are just whores.

It was her guest appearance on Secret Life of the American Teenager back when she was an ‘abstinence spokesperson’ in between the two times she got knocked up.

I guess our priest has gone off message then. Tough noogies for them, I’m keeping my appointment!

We were “giddy assholes” for doubting her baby joy.

My parents used blood sacrifice, chanting and the burning of some vagrants body, but I guess whatever works for you.

The last time I did it, the resulting abomination opened a bunch of hotels and casinos, had their company go bankrupt multiple times, and then entered politics.

Reads more like the fertility equivalent of a blood transfusion.

This makes a three-parent kid as much as a kidney transplant recipient is a two-person person. Like…sure, I guess there’s bits from that many people in there, but for real that is not what’s going on.

What’s wrong with the old fashioned way? Take the desired body parts from the three people in question, stitch ‘em together, animate on a slab during a thunderstorm and BAM! Plus, you get to skip the irritating baby stage.

Least sexy threesome, ever.