There is no way I can put a floofy scarf over my boobs without making it look like my chest is trying to suffocate me.

For instance, the sort of pants you can wear while biking to work without changing once you arrive at your desk.

I go by my first and middle initials, and I was flagged for using a “fake” name. Facebook made me send a scanned copy of my passport before they would reinstate my account, and since my passport has my full name, not initials, they would not reinstate it unless I used my name and put my initials in the nickname part.…

If it's a fencing school, it probably belonged to a man.

Detroit welcomes you.

I think most people are smart enough to keep their finances separate and don’t move into apartments where their name isn’t on the lease, but there are always those people who jump in without thinking and get royally screwed because they have no legal standing.

50/50 is only typical for married couples. Good luck taking someone you were only living with to court over assets without being legally married to them.

How low can you go?

Is this possibly the most derivative form of pop culture? Yes. But celebrities lip syncing? I LOVE IT.

People often skip this critical part and get spend-happy on the first, say, tomatoes they see, only the find tastier ones for a lower price an hour later on the other side of the market.

“wearing too much makeup looks like a clown”

Those outfits invoke the spirits of Edina and Patsy.

Yeah, I have to agree with you on that one. Febreeze on panties sounds like a UTI waiting to happen.

Are you serious? Comply with all orders? When I was 16, a cop pulled me over in my rickity little beater car with a busted transmission and told me he wouldn't write me a bullshit ticket if I sucked his cock. I told him to fuck off and he wrote me over $500 worth of tickets for violations that didn't happen…

It’s better this way. You don’t want to have nightmares of babies in watermelons.

It’s simple: If a man gets to the door first, he better hold it open for me. If a woman gets to the door first, she better hold it open for me. If I get to the door first, you better be gracious and walk through when I hold the door open for you; not grab the door out of my hands because of some misguided thought that…

Men refusing to go through the door I opened for them is a huge pet peeve of mine. I’m short so it really peeves me when they do a reach out and grab the door over my head, expecting me to walk in under their arm. It feels violating to my personal space.

Once upon a time, I dated a guy with the last name of Bond. When we went out to dinner, waiters would sometimes ask if he wanted a “martini, shaken not stirred” when they would check his I.D. after he ordered a beer.

Thank you, Madeleine. Little Edie just brightened my day.

Countdown to pearl clutching in 5...4...3...2...1...