Man, having external genitalia sounds dangerous.

If it was a cultural norm to poke customers in the eyeballs, it wouldn't make it any less of a dick move.

Lightly, with a pinch of salt and, surprisingly, saffron.

but before he dies the server leans over and whispers in his ear "No, no you haven't". The patrons last glimpse of life are the kitchen doors swinging open, and he witnesses piles upon piles of bread, there for the taking by any one who dares reach for it.

I think the moral is probably supposed to be "lock up your poisonous materials when you have kids", but I wish the moral was "just let your kid eat some damn pop rocks"

And on the thermos it says "Could have used more vegan options."

How is the cardiologist seasoned?

Try them with a little ranch. And a cardiologist.

I'm just picturing him coming to America, showing up in the nearest restaurant, weeping copiously as he eats basket after basket of bread. Finally, he's eaten enough to rupture his stomach, and he turns to the server who is trying to comfort him in his last moments and says, "I ate all the bread. I. Ate. All. The.…

Waiter, *angrily*: "Well, maybe I will come to your country then. And eat all of your bread!"

I did a bunch after the fact, but this is for you:

"if we were going to have an actual relationship, I would have to "get rid of them".

My girlfriend now complains loudly about the dogs (the cat passed away, and the bird went back to its actual owner) but then I catch her letting them nap with her on the bed, so...♥ I count myself as a very lucky woman.

I married the only guy my cat liked. :-) So, yeah, anybody who didn't like my cat, wasn't going to get anywhere with me.

Oh man, that's terrible. You are so right about SOs being "grandfathered in" to a pet's life—unless you have such significant allergies that you'll die if you exist in the same space as a pet, there's no reason to ask someone to give up their pet. Do you have to love it? No, but it's a living creature and probably an…

My husband is lying on the edge of the couch right now, about to fall off, because the dog is stretched out. :)

Oh, I get that some people are dog people, others cat people. And there are rodent people, etc. And I understand allergies, of course. But any pet that you or your partner have when you meet are grandfathered in.

One of the many moments I knew fiancé was a keeper was about a month into dating; I was considering adopting two kittens and asked him how he felt about cats (because I was already pretty sure we were going to fall in love, so I figured his opinion should be considered).

Not far off. After I was done laughing, I told her, "They don't whine and complain when I want to drink wine and watch North & South, unlike some people."