Remember when Oprah gave away cars? But then everyone had to pay like 7 grand in taxes, or forfeit the car? And people said, hey, O, maybe help these people out, because they don't have 7 grand? She was like, nah. Why should I.

"I also texted my landlord, and it turns out he does not accept rent payment in Oprah Winfrey tickets. Gah!"

Two entire people got noticed working for free? THE SYSTEM WORKS.

I said that mostly because Oprah has a lot more money than Amanda Palmer. So maybe not worse in other ways, but definitely way more stingy. Also Oprah is more business-oriented, so she should be well aware of the money-for-goods-and-services idea. Oprah is very public about buying luxury goods, which in my mind makes…

i also CANNOT do a cartwheel and have never ever ever been able to. i literally was in remedial carwheels in gymnastics.

i can't do it. like i UNDERSTAND what is supposed to be happening but I CANT DO IT. same with juggling.

I also texted my landlord, and it turns out he does not accept rent payment in Oprah Winfrey tickets. Gah!

If this performer had projected her wishes into the universe a bit more strongly, if she had eaten , prayed and loved over it, she'd have the life she wants. You're spiritually lazy, hula-hooper. Put some soul into it, woman.

There is a precedence to this though. Bill Gates wound up making his fortune when someone noticed his firebreathing act when he used to open gratis for REO Speedwagon, and Warren Buffet got his start working for free as a ring girl in backyard wrestling tournaments that were frequented by Wall Street talent scouts.

Oh, absolutely. It was just very funny to me because he is usually such a laid back guy. Watching him storm around the kitchen bitching about people who want him to ruin steaks was the highlight of my night from my lonely pastry corner.

But did you save the bread?!

These cooking more makes it tender are confusing tender with mushy. You cook those canned green beans long enough, they'll fall apart on your fork. This is what they believe tender is.

Americans probably wouldn't appreciate that you were WEARING DIOR.

I was once at Peter Luger's (very old-school NYC steakhouse staffed mostly by cranky old men) with a girl who ordered her steak "very well done". It was all I could do not to burst out laughing when the elderly, gruff waiter put her plate in front of her and said, "And this is what was once a very nice piece of meat".

I say this with all sincerity: I will never, ever tire of monogrammed thermos jokes.

Confession time: I once went on a second date with a guy who ordered a beautiful $40 steak well done. I ordered mine just shy of med- rare. I never went out with him after that and couldn't bring myself to tell him that it was because of how he ordered his steak.

You know those cooks were jumping up and down on and spitting at her steak for an hour before cooking. Mmmmm, tender.

DO THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT YOU ARE?

When I was in Europe, selling monogrammed thermoses, THEY would cook my steaks for me until it was tender, no matter how long it took. Americans are so lazy sometimes.