Add some port and chopped walnuts, and you'll never want the tin can again.

BINGO!

That awkward moment when you realize, several hours after the fact, that you left out a very important punctuation mark in a previous post...

One of the provisions of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA, ACA, or "Obamacare" requires all health plans to cover preventive services, including immunizations, often with no out-of-pocket cost to the consumer.

just promise me you won't put your extended family through an Atkins-approved low-carb Thanksgiving dinner...

welcome to my life.

I would say to myself, "Damn," then, "Nice tiara," to the man, then probably, "I really hope he doesn't kill me," to the universe in general.

Of course we can. Some of us have been celebrating Tiara Tuesday for years.

I hate you.

srsly? that is truly fucked up. stab your brother for me next time you see him.

*slow clap*

STOP THAT!

mmm...science...

*dies*

STOP THAT!!!

It took me WAY too long to figure out your name...but thanks for the long-forgotten earworm. :)

Get in line, bitch!

"I've tried to pay my landlord in verbal tips of received ("but everyone says I'm so good at my job!") but so far it's a no-go."
I have a friend who regularly performs at renaissance fairs with her band, and at the end of each set they tell the audience, "thanks so much for coming to see us. we really appreciate your…