Sorry boys, when your ad reads like I’m getting propositioned by a high-class escort, but your car looks like the equivalent of a 50 year-old methed-out prostitute with three teeth and as many limbs, my instinct is to run, not walk away. Apropos of nothing, I’d probably get screamed at about my masculinity when I…

I haven’t received my apology yet, which I feel you should apologize for. An apology within an apology, if you will.

I had this same exact car. I bought it from a guy I knew in college who did absolutely no maintenance on it, with 125K miles. Finally sold it with 240K on the odometer, and not one problem with the engine, just the usual consumables. Quiet on the inside, plenty of get up and go for the highway, and that red color…

He meant by “sleeper” that you would fall asleep driving or looking at it.

My brother pretended to be a Power Ranger in kindergarten, and kicked a girl in the stomach whom he thought looked like Rita Repulsa. The principal called my mom and told her he was laughing about the whole thing; I guess they didn’t understand the hilarity of hitting someone who vaguely resembled an actor in a kids…

I call it a Molkswagen.

Maybe he meant they would become like real miners, with a pickax and a hard hat.

Sorry Louisville fans, but without Rick Pitino, nothing comes to a quick end.

Does the AC blow cold?

Mark Davis shows his support for the troops by his latest haircut, the Helmet Head.

Eventually you play for hours on end as the comfort of the chair allows you to play for far longer than in a normal chair. You sink in its folds as it envelopes you. The neck brace is your neck. The backrest becomes a permanent vertebrae. You become an amorphous blob, effortlessly transitioning between chair and…

Not to mention that the horsepower can’t be beat.

Thanks for spoiling the ending to “Moby Dick,” jerk!

Why did you post a picture of Jay Cutler in the middle of the Jamboroo?

This is a very good list.

Dammit, I was already writing a screenplay based on the Fyre Festival.

Can we get a “SPOILER ALERT” next time?

Yeah, but Tom Brady won a Super Bowl, which I assume is an object that can hold a lot of water, so his opinion trumps your facts.

Nope. Even if the body part did have some nutrients left, human meat is rich in protein, not carbohydrates. In a starving situation, you’re dead without carbs.

Hard to see how Spectacular Bear isn’t going to run away with this thing.