You wish you could pull off that much turquoise jewelry.

By the way, this is a picture of me IRL

Oh god, the cold shit sweats. That’s a sure sign that there’s trouble.

FWIW, very few people can say they’ve barfed on a protected species.

This is simultaneously the worst and best thing I have ever read. I am crying.

This is like the eighth story on here about Disney World. That place is clearly cursed.

I made the horrible mistake of attempting gummy vitamins, and boy, oh boy did I pay the price. They made me so gassy. I was at work, on my period, and trying to (quietly) fart my way to freedom on a beautiful summer Friday while at work. Suddenly, I get the “I don’t think this is farts anymore” feeling.

This might win, and I am so sorry. Holy shit.

I have THE BEST BATHTUB in the world. It’s an antique iron, claw foot tub. When you fill it up with hot, hot water, the whole thing just radiates perfection. That bathtub is my refuge. That bathtub is my Fortress of Solitude. That bathtub makes awful days into cathartic tub cries.

I also love that they thought a pregnant woman passed out and started having a seizure AND STILL GAVE HER NO ASSISTANCE! Life is precious, my ass.

I don’t know if this counts or not, but here we go.

Worst place I ever got sick was camping in the Sierra Mountains with my family. After a week of camping, on our last night, I was struck with a really nasty stomach bug. We had spent the afternoon drinking margaritas, so when the first wave of nausea hit, I thought it was the tequila. But no. How I wish it had been…

Ow. Ow. Ow. Holy shit. And OW.

I was in a band and on tour in the early 00’s. As we were leaving the western edge of Pennsylvania on our way to Dayton Ohio we gassed up at a station that had a hybrid Pizza Hut / KFC / and Blimpies food processing closet. Being a vegetarian roughly 5 hours from home I was overjoyed that the Blimpies, 1/3 of this…

Alright, I’ve never posted anything on Jez but I can’t resist this one-

Epilogue: I'm finally going back to Disneyworld for my birthday/halloween. It'll be my first trip back since the...unpleasantness. Pray for me.

I think I’ve got the creme de la creme. When I was 12, my family took a trip to Disneyworld. The first day there we did the usual rides, food, etc. (Tower of Terror is the shit!!!!). While waiting in line for The Great Movie Ride I started getting a little groin pain. At first I thought I just really needed to pee.…

I have a super dramatic fainting story. When I was in college, whenever I came home for breaks I had to go to church with my family (I was an atheist then as now, but it was a requirement of the house.) It was a super conservative catholic church with latin mass. It goes without saying there was to be no eating before…

I had to do a midterm speech for my public speaking class in college. Prof was insane and literally allowed zero make ups for midterm and final speeches. I was crazy sick with some God awful stomach virus. I went anyway, not wanting to fail. I was the color gray, clammy and so sick feeling. I ended up barfing on my…

I threw up in a potted palm in the lobby of the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco, at my Senior Ball, right in front of the principal. Apparently I am allergic to scallops. I arrived, had my photo taken, sipped a 7 Up, turned green, and spent the rest of my evening in the lady’s room, where the speech and debate…