In the AAF, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups. The players who were suckered into wasting months of their life, and the owners who will somehow cash out and profit on an obvious disaster. These are their stories.

“This Is The Face Of A Man Getting Pulled . . .

Miracle in Cell Block 34

[PA Announcer]: Remember fans, if either team gets disqualified tonight, all fans in attendance can bring their ticket stubs to a participating Chicagoland Dairy Queen and receive 50 cents off a Peanut Buster Parfait

Farragut’s Donovan Jones went for a dunk when a North Lawndale player appeared to undercut him, causing him to topple awkwardly to the hardwood.

Do you even bridge, bro???

No, you’re thinking of Capacious Vulva.

“It’s Applebee’s bottomless margarita night all over again”

That wacky play once again makes me wonder why the hell we don’t get rugby 7s broadcast around this country more often.

Lowe was competing for PBR at the National Western Stock Show

[extremely Dennis Miller voice] I haven’t seen this much displeasure about a Cardinals’ decision since electing Pius XII, babe. They sent up more white smoke than Alice Cooper’s stage show in ‘78.

Now if only Hollywood would make my dream of an all female, all red-head heist thriller a reality.  I call it Red Riding Hoods, and it will star Jessica Chastain, Bryce Dallas Howard, Isla Fisher, Karen Gillan, Emma Stone, Christina Hendricks, Alicia Witt, Amy Adams and Sophie Turner.  

As a born-and-bred Las Vegan, this is the absolute worst market for a MLB team. It’s ungodly hot, there is little to no local wealth outside of gaming (which is solely dependent on discretionary income and the health of the economy on a macro-basis), and the town is too transient. Not to mention, Vegas is a basketball…

Bravely fled Sir Paulie;
Sir Paulie bravely fled.

It happens...

He wanted to speak for longer, but the international Jewish conspiracy stopped him because they needed to get the room set up for the Greenberg Bar Mitzvah.

Eh, Machado about nothing, if you ask me. 

Except when they play the Chargers. Then the stadium will just be 70% empty.

It’s going to be glorious when this ass team is in Vegas and that stadium will be filled with 70% of the opposing team fans. 

I’m not a loser. So why don’t you not kill me.