“Here at Starbucks, we care about our customers. If at anytime you’re not satisfied with your order, BYE! BYE! BYE!”

I would have no regrets in life if my death was by the hands of a fantastic Easter vampire known as Fan BingBing.

As a dutiful servant, I would not have been so presumptive as to serve those ladies anything but the finest peanut grease. I shan’t deny the older gentlemen their mugs of chino either, but it would take a couple of minutes to whip up and only a couple of teaspoons at most.

“Here, we see a server remove the packaging from a frozen cheesecake that arrived on truck this morning to be thawed in a cooler. And so begins and ends our tour of Obscene Selection of Cheesecakes.”

I think the more appropriate charge would be criminal abuse of her friends’ Facebook feed.

I’ll wait for the next model of scent diffuser/iPhone speaker/funeral urn/dildo that has an espresso function.

I’d like to believe that all of these instances were Eddie Vedder in various disguises, gallivanting around the U.S. in a mission to make server life a better life.

What the Tina Knowles story really means is that Blue Ivy is now the Supreme of the Knowles coven and Tina has lost her title in choosing to marry a mere mortal. #Illuminati

I usually have the worst service at the big chain restaurants like Bison Feral Appendages, Pepper Pods, Italian Flatbread Shanty, and of cours the Blue Crustacean, though nothing beats that last story from Cow Milk Monarchess.

Great, what am I supposed to put in my morning coffee now?!

“Hey, wanna get our taints steamed after dinner? I hear it does wonders for ole’ Goopypants.”

Your preferences have been noted, and the proper authorities have been notified. But really, offering something off your plate instead of leaving enough cash money to attempt to make up for boorish behavior? Dick move.

Mmm, flaccid leavings. -Hurggeeh-

Only a deranged asshole would order bacon extra limp, then offer said gelatinous fatty tissue to a terrified waitress as a peace offering. Crispy or nothing, limp dick psycho Santa.

¡De nada!

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know my cheddar biscuits will be free. And I won't forget the men who died, so I can bitch about automatic gratuity.

My limited Spanish skills has translated part of the post as, “Fuck you, go suck dog dick,” which if accurate...fair enough.

I nominate Kirk Cameron to be Dick X. Truder, evil villain bent on destroying the rainbow diversity of Play-Doh Land.

I cannot wait to be tormented with the screams of my loved ones at Jabberjay Alley!