Having “entrepreneur” appear anywhere in your profile is reason enough to swipe left.

More Michelle Yeoh steeliness! More Awkwafina kookiness! More lifestyle porn! More! I demand moaaarrr!

After experiencing the untapped financial power of the BSC as its treasurer, Stacey contracts a deadly case of affluenza.

Megyn Today is like watching the ghost of Megyn’s career haunt our morning television schedule until it moves onto the gloomy realm of Hades, so of course I believe in ghosts.

Matt and Megyn’s banter is the type of combative flirting I imagine praying mantises engage in. I’d give the edge to Matt in this round.

The cheapskate part of my brain hates admitting this, but cold drinks don’t feel right, unless the glass is almost filled to the brim with ice.

I only want to add that my Gawker postings are wide open for sponsorship, just like my digestive tract after drinking a delightful cup of FitTea™.

Damn, my preferred method of letting my wrists go limp and violently flailing my hands around will never beat Dyson’s poo-flinging numbers.

Tough Luck, Oregon Protesters

Your comments are the longest comments I’ve replied to, I swear.

Is it too late to get that 118th trimester abortion?

I went an entire day with a slice of deli meat stuck to my pants after a work lunch years ago, but you don’t see me joining suit.

Lord Swift called upon her ancient friend, Cthulhu, for the NYC show, however misalignment of Pluto’s moon and just terrible traffic made it impossible for him to make it.

At least this year I’ll know how to get GLAM by tonight rather than just looking great by tonight.

I really hope that couple from the coffee story are still together and fighting crime with funky disco beats, choreographed truck moves, and the unwavering ability to tell someone to shut the fuck up.

“So, your table stopped me and asked what kind of fish they had was because they thought you were lying to them; I told them it was cod and they asked why we didn’t have real fish.”

“Dear, sweet daughter, I’ve been planning for your special day, ever since I was a hot twenty-something size 0 model.”

Danke.

The soup of the day is usually Hitler miss, but I’m sure you’ll just Goebbels up today’s gestapo soup.

I was working the early shift and in walks a woman who looks like someone has been smashing symbols against her head for a few days.