His head is like the court cupholder where you can rest your flagon of mead.

And in no time at all you'll grow to hate this little guy,

So did I, gif-Al, so did I.

I cannot wait till Naomi loses her patience with the Biebs and throws him through a plate glass window.

Now if they could only make an onion that doesn't scream when I cut into them. God, their screams still haunt my nightmares.

"Back in my day, music didn't even have percussions! Damn kids playing their Selena Bieber music. TURN DOWN THAT DAMN AIR CYMBAL!"

"Forsooth, the elder Kardashian sibling besought Jesus for a self-portrait to feed the hungry, thirsty masses of her Instagram following, and Jesus replied..."

The mom missed a real opportunity to explain the realities of sex rather than leaving her children with that weird explanation. She could have started with something like, "When a cash-strapped Eastern European twink meets a fatherly producer..."

Gah, just imagining going into a public restroom with these dangly bits gives me the heebie jeebies!

"Yes, I have a complaint..."

All those layers and layers of Boho scarves just ruined by that damn chupacabra.

"Popsicle. POPSICLE!!!"

If I've reached the "getting my navel tickled with a rose" portion of foreplay, I'm definitely ejecting my dog out of the bedroom. I really don't want anyone else besides me, my partner, and the GQ photographers for sexy time.

Damn youths, smoking their Molly and moving their hands in front of the face part of my body! How dare they! Get off my lawn! Where am I?

He's in a relationship with 13 other twink-ish men, but you would never be able to tell due to the clever system of tunnels and catwalks that allow them to run throughout the house.

He's like the 90's soccer mom version of the Portlandia bookstore owner.

"Michelle Obama arrives at a classroom full of disappointed and confused children who believed Beyonce was visiting."

For as much money that the Hunger Games franchise has generated, their costume department couldn't get a better wig for JLaw in Mockingjay? It seriously bothered me throughout the movie to see that undifferentiated brown mass atop her head, though I might just be crazy/watch too much Rupaul's Drag Race.