After a long hiatus from A&F, I went after Christmas to snag some cheap jeans and to help out with their new "ew, only old people shop there" vibe.

There is no such thing as accidental Beyonce; it is merely a manifestation of divine intervention when Beyonce pours forth.

With such a strong set of teeth and regular production of manure, it's no wonder she was yoked up to plow the fields.

"As a totally legitimate medical professional, do you prefer receiving your results via Kik or a series of emojis?"

I wish I had a body that allowed me to have a wardrobe comprised of nothing but tiny strings.

"No, no it's my gluten allergy. It makes me smell like condoms and look like I've been fucked in the butt. I'm just going to carefully sit down now."

As a sufferer of Mitchum-Humpsterfumper disease, I resent being alluded to as a fungible yeti. We are each special yeti-snowflakes with special imaginary yeti-afflictions.

I was in a wedding party where the bride booted the maid of honor from the wedding during the bachelorette party. Excessive booze, crying, hot tub fighting - it was all very Real Housewives-esque.

When I'm asked, "No, but where are you really from?" despite telling people that I was born and raised in Texas.

Ugh, farting in the shower by myself is bad enough with the steam and the vapors. Having the SO poop while I'm taking a hot shower would lead to a serious talk.

-Cut to camera 3; zoom in on white, male privilege; cue sad trombone sound effect-

Or she's the trials and tribulations of the end times used to test the faithful.

Unexpected Boob Best Part of The Wedding Ringer

I made a couple wrong turns and ended up at Eat Ass once. It wasn't bad, but it's not a place I'd want to visit again.

Same here! The lesson from my mom was: 1) you are different, 2) people will notice you are different, 3) people will be out to get you because you are different.

The sudden realization that a fart turned into a shart?

Light years better than last year's drop crotch phenomenon. People looked like they actually pooped their pants rather than toddlers that may poop their overalls.

"Coming up - the battle between Jennifer Aniston's phantom baby and Kate Middleton's unborn fetus! Who gestated it bet"

So I should be getting a gift basket of blackcurrants and a potato any time now for supporting Mr. Dyson's conquest of England?

"We followed all requisite birthday protocols and offered the patient a piece of the cake, however no response was given."