"Honey, I love you, but I'm going to need a couple hundred of those KALE sweaters."

For generations to come, teenagers and adults alike will gather at this shrine and go, "Huh huh, wang," while pointing.

"I'm feeling my look, and your eyes are closed. CROPPED!"

The photographer makes "Fuck yeah, horsies! YOLO!," sound so elegant in his description.

Such a sad monkey face! :( You're better without the Beebs!

I would have thought Colin smells like the heady mixture of simultaneous fear and smugness.

Runners up Adam and Will and contestant Ben are to report to my office for mandatory consolation.

I initially thought the big red X over Chris Brown's face was the Grammys preemptively going "NOOOOPE" to this douche nozzle, but then I realized it was just lame old album art.

I stay up too late, got nothing in my brain...except for MOAR BRAINZzzs...

I'm going to continue eating cream cheese out of the tub while denying I need help and not check out Jada Pinkett Smith's mom's bikini body, thank you.

This will be great for trussing the free-range chickens I was going to stuff with $100 bills and cook for my Christmas dinner with Gwyneth.

"The hair that you find in the pie is actually your hair, plucked straight from your head while you slept!"

It's like Kim K only has a future as a hanger for ill-fitting haute couture ala Kanye or filming It's a Kardashian Khristmas XIV with mom. I'm pretty sure she can take care of herself without either.

How gauche! I'd only wear a 400-lb, insanely intricate gown if it was hand-beaded by blind virginal nuns, not just a warehouse full of randos.

Wow. Such patterns. Very gazing. Much bronde.

Chris is fine and all, but I'd really like one of these Fozzie Bear leather jackets for myself.

Apparently it's been going on for nearly two decades, but what the hell is the Hollywood Film Awards? Don't we already have eleventy jillion other ceremonies for this that don't sound so...generic?

That Tom Petty looking kid from "This is 40" sure grew up to be the ardent Kim K. apologist.

What is "Drunk Throughout Love"?

During my high school senior trip, a couple of classmates and I caught an older couple doing the sexxxing in the hotel hot tub. A bunch of giggling teenagers did not damper their mood, and they invited one of the guys to join them. He respectfully declined.