More importantly, did Taylor Swift continue reading, or is she dead? Did she sleep with Karla for a day?

Ugh, rereading the one about the ghost with his bones breaking and splintering just gives me the heebie jeebies all over over again.

In an effort to be the most fashionable drone at the office, I've just ripped off my sleeves and the fabric directly in front of my nipples.

Are You a Political Party Animal? 25 Mindblowingly Orgasmic Ways to Work the Poll!

Dark days ahead for all those skinny bitches in the club during the reign of Minaj.

Never mind the guns and dead animals, I'm just afraid of the sartorial choices that'll be made by rural Nebraskan high schoolers.

Lindsay and Harry would make some beautiful, boozy ginger children, most likely in the backseat of an antique Rolls Royce to boot.

Iggy Azalea is repping disposable fashion that cribs from more talented designers but the youths inexplicably love. Perfect!

My Excalibur Anaconda don't want none, unless it's artisanal, all organic Pampers, hun.

Most excessively large branding is obnoxious, but I really would rather not hang out with my Wang out.

I wish nothing but unending spam for all those dick pic senders that use Coke bottles as a point of comparison, especially when the appendage does not measure up.

Except for Knocked Up and snippets of New Year's Eve (ugh), I am glad to say that my household is also "a no Heigl situation."

Is what the shrunken, conjoined skeletons described as masturbation or incest, because I need to be able to articulate these things to my therapist.

If you thought that was boring, just wait till the sequel, Numbers: The Wandering.

Hopefully it'll be 2 hours of Jon lying down pantless, playing the part of the Yuletide log.

I missed that particular day of Sunday school, but are we supposed to stare directly at the demon's dimple-less right side to defeat her or avert our gaze and pray harder?

I wish my parents did the same when they were teaching me their native language. To this day, I only know the equivalent of "pee-pee" and "c-nt" in Chinese when referring to private parts, and only one of those terms was in their intended lesson plan.

The officer claimed the Dunkin' Donuts reached for the officer's service weapon during a scuffle, leaving him no choice but to ram the Dunkin' Donuts at full speed.

Is this Chantelle from America's Next Top Model?! Who says there's not life after Tyra?

Who is supposed to be the target audience for this video? New recruits going through indoctrination? Tone deaf and hungry Buffalonians? Actual buffalo?