"I don't know, I mean, she's so weird, she just, you know, came up to me and started talking to me about crack."

"All that fussing and crying and throwing up, plus that awful baby she carries around...in-laws, man."

The newspaper article reads like it was dictated but not read by someone running on a treadmill.

"I said this game requires a concentration CHAMP, Howie, CHAMP!"

The perfect belly button shape would be able to hold a venti frappuccino and a cruller while I watch my shows. Get to work science!

No thanks to Billy Hanson, who broke okra's heart and went to prom with broccolini junior year. LOOK AT OKRA NOW, BILLY!

We need more male performers on stripper poles and singing in barely-there outfits. Think of the children!

8. Ferguson Protestor: Put your hands up for that other craze sweeping the U.S. and pretend to wash the teargas out of your eyes. Use ice cube tray for rubber bullet welts.

It's like an Aqua Globe that'll keep your cupcake sufficiently moist and classist while you're vacationing in St. Tropez.

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I felt a great disturbance in the goop, as if a million deep, cleansing breaths were suddenly inhaled and consciously uncoupled.

My astronaut pants are thoroughly dry and unsoiled from that.

Actress/singer Jennifer Lopez calculates the height of the stage and the velocity required to render her unconscious from a fall at FOX's 2014 Teen Choice Awards.

Expendables 3: Offering more racial diversity than Vanity Fair's Best-Dressed List, University of Alabama's sororities, and the current cast of the View combined

After visiting Michigan this January, I'm thankful I left with just a cheese-and-beer baby and not a baby-baby.

As if Prince George didn't already have one helicopter parent.

Oh Chris, let's escape all this madness and run away together back to your van in Maui. I'll roll your blunts, and you can braid my hair.

I'm betting the approving judge's full name is Barbara Mermaid Hyland.

I'm feeling they've missed out on some wonderful product names like "Swollen Nub" or "Unsheathed Sword" or "Romance Novel Euphemism".

How about a compromise where we follow inner pixie-moonchild Shailene Woodley's advice and tan your ladybits but nowhere else?