I’m out.

“Case closed?”

I send my one nighters home with a sense that their lives have become very small and a burning desire for religious fulfillment.

Are you telling me you’ve never observed aggressive behavior in females before?
Ever been to a shoe sale?

Things Andy Van Slyke knows about:

Sink your essence so deeply into your chosen profession that your chosen life partner becomes a distant smudge of color on the horizon. Wave to it sometimes. Mention it sometimes. Allow it to make noises at you, but do not allow it to stop you from becoming Emperor of Job, Titan of Industry, Leader of People.

Little known fact: Sue Flay is actually married to Tom Brady’s buddy, Dee Flate.

Apparently Cris Carter was only in it for a little summer fling, so as soon as the holidays began approaching, he was adamant Mrs Baumann get a fall guy.

What if it’s a lumberjack funeral. They die too, you know. If a tree falls in the woods and kills a lumberjack, will your list fall on deaf ears? You know nothing of the plight of the mourning lumberjack.

People aren’t voting for someone who literally promises not to finish the job.

If an omelette has 3 eggs, it is still 1 omelette, not 3.

TLDR: NFL enforces uniform policy.

Right after the Key and Peele post too...

Stephen A. Smith thinks the water cooler should really consider whether it was asking for something like this when it made poor decisions like “being orange”.

I guess you can say... [Puts on sunglasses]... cooler heads prevailed.

Pretty sure that Putin scored 7 goals on one of these bears earlier in the week.

Meanwhile, nobody talks about his slightly shorter brother, Kilometers.

First they came for the Expos, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not from Montreal.

IT WAS JUST THAT ONE TIME

The thing is though, I’m great.